let down by my sadness

ever felt like you have been looking forward to a day for a long time and then when it comes along and you leave feeling hollow and empty inside. Well I had that on saturday.

On saturday I met up with danny and his best friend luke. Bringing along ashley with me. prior to this though I got in a very heated argument with matt who left me, pretty much hurt, upset and angry and from the time I had to go, I just couldn't shift the damn feeling. I was down to the point when I actually didn't want to go.

Ash was all excited and I wanted to be like that, but I just couldn't. I couldn't smile, laugh much or be happy. so I stood behind the camera, taking pictures, watching everyone laugh, jump in there and get the hugs and stuff and normally I would be all up for that, but because of the mood I was in I really couldn't bring myself to do it.

to pretend I was happy when I wasn't. to be honest at one point I felt like leaving. just leaving ash there with the guys and going home. its not like I wasn't enjoying myself. I did. but not as much as I could have if I didn't have a whinging bf/ex or whatever I call him right now.. moaning at me, making all these damn rules and just breaking me and training me like some sort of DOG. UUUUURRRRGGGGH.

So if that wasn't bad enough, dan then says "stop being so stuck up" and thats when it hit me. wait one sec that's what I am coming across as? I'm nothing like that.I'm normally the fun bubbly kind, that glomps everyone and is really down to earth, well I have been told anyway. so I tried to make an extra effort, hugging, getting in pictures and smiling, even though I didn't want to. I didn't want to ruin anyone's day.

So at the end of it, went to the toilets and talked to him and I just got angrier. more sad and depressed and was near enough near tears.

I did however cheer up a tiny bit when a girl had the sign saying please rape me on her back hehe

Overall, I came home feeling like crap. I'm pretty sure I made a wonderful impression on everyone (sarcasm) so I went out and got a tiny bit hammered. XD

so note to self... when you feel like shit... STAY THE FUCK AT HOME.