So as we all know my name is corinne but my friends shortened it down to cordie. I have had two blogs in my history of blogging.. this current blog and the blog of my past which was called scarred! I got many views, many messages.
This old blog basically was me writing out my past like a story tale. It had in detail facts of what happened to me. People were shocked how strong I was. I made many on-line friends. people were worried about me they thought I was going to die in that house one day.
After much thinking and much protesting from others to keep it, I deleted that blog. I didn't want to be known as the child with the difficult past. Every time someone searched my onnie name Anarchy's Angel, that's the first thing they would see.
I didn't want to be the person who everyone goes “ooh she's had a hard life lets all be nice to her.” Like in school miss hicks hated me ... the bitch. Anyway, she picked on me practically everyday for stupid things that she would let other students get a way with, but then when she learnt what I was going through at home
she became nice towards me. I hated that. If you hate me right, you hate me. not because of my circumstance are you now going to turn around and say “oh corinne you are wonderful oh corinne you are great.” fuck right off.
Apparently I have a like-ability factor about me. I can hangout with all types of people and be really silent and they still like me... well like I said apparently. One question I have always asked myself is why? why do people like me? Really aren't I just a moody sarcastic bitch, who is generally an uncomfortable person to be around.
I'm not socially in tuned. I can't do what Kaz does. Go into room and not knowing anyone and come out with all of their numbers and talking about hanging out or going for drinks. People don't realise I am rather shy. I'm not really good with being social, but I'm apparently the life of the party. To which I think whatever life of the party I am this must be some rather dead party.
Another thing about me I actually do have a stammer, well a slight one actually. I trained myself to over come it so much that you can't really hear it in my usual speech. It comes back full blown however when I'm really nervous, uncomfortable, shy or scared. Like sometimes I say something, I know what I wanted to say in my head and when I say it out loud to me it sounds
like I've said the right thing until someone corrects me and I am like what did I say?? it is very hard to control sometimes. When it also takes me forever to word a sentence is annoying too.
I am lame in general. I look lame, I act lame everything about me oozes lameness. Even this fucking entry is lame. Everyone says its me fishing for compliments when I say I'm am ugly (which isn't true btw) I truly am not, and I mean that in all honesty I think I'm am really really hideously ugly. I honestly do think Chantelle is a whole lot more prettier than me *Kaz stands there looking at me in disgust*
A question I have asked most of the guys I have dated is why me? I mean if the outside isn't special and the inside is not that great either then why? Its true they could have their first pick of beauties, but they are dumb enough to choose me lol.
I mean people remind me everyday that I am ugly urgh corinne your hair is still short, urgh your still that dark (there's not a cure for my skin colour you know) corinne you are fat, corinne why are you so tall? My dad conditioned me since a young age. EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY I GOT TOLD THAT: I would never become anything, I was worthless, a whore, fat, ugly, I couldn't play the guitar, I should stop singing because I couldn't. Basically everything about me was wrong and that I couldn't be seen as perfect as his son. To my parents I was the mistake, well to my dad anyway.
So when anyone tries to tell me corinne you can do this very well, I very quickly dismiss it and say no I'm not or no I can't. Sometimes it an instant thing that happens and I can't help it. I remember one time I was watching tv and then my dad came in and decided he would start on me about being fat. He reduced me to tears, I don't think I ever felt more crap that he made me feel on that day. So I drank his alcohol on empty stomach nearly everyday to ease the pain of living with him. I didn't eat, I couldn't stand the sight of food... and I thought well maybe if I lost some weight then he would stop pushing me around. I always felt like it was my fault I was the one who was pushing him and getting him angry. Mum realised I wasn't eating and was acting weird (alcohol) she started to monitor my eating after that, she has ever since. That's why sometimes my mum makes me eat before I leave the house just so she knows that I have eaten.
I saw Nadia last week no matter even if it was for 2 hours it was so much fun. Anyway she informed me that I had drastically changed. Everyone is so use to the old me... corinne who was funny, sarcastic and hyper all the damn time. I miss her. The old corinne I mean. She was fun, I was happy to be her. Now I am so quiet and reclusive that I feel generally sorry for anyone who tries to strike up conversation with this tired withdrawn cordie of now. Nadia thinks it because of Alex, she says I've crawl back into this sort of shell and I wont come out for a while and then one day, BOOM!!! I am back to normal. The thing that is scaring me is I don't think I'm going to be normal any more. Neither do I have the strength, energy or self satisfaction to be like that.
Nadia's friend was there too I barely spoke one bit to him. Apparently he likes me a lot (this is the first time he had met me *deep breath* boys, what do they know eh?)I hardly spoke to him and that's how she knew something wasn't right. She's really worried, that I am becoming this unapproachable person. I think in some ways she is right.
Message to Alex from Nadia “WHAT THE FUCKKKKK HAVE YOU DONE TO HER?”
I want to be my old self again, I really do but I don't think that 'fun' side of me is attainable. It makes me sad, because right now who the hell am I? What have I become that has nadia so worried about me.
I also got the “you're depressed” talk. She also thinks that the excessive weight loss of recent is tied to that, and the constant tiredness.
I am fine people, just trust me give me time. Give me time.
Nadia also thinks my barrier against letting people in, is to the point where it can't be penetrated with a few questions or easily built friendships and I don't speak so you wont know anything about me.
Have I really become like this?
Richard said I might as well be Kaz's shadow, I follow her closely and have no speech of my own. Well I would rather be Kaz's shadow than be a carrier of a thousands STI'S like yourself Richard. Fucker.
Do you blame though. Left right and centre I have people backstabbing me, hating on me, abandoning me, turning their backs on me, wishing that I would die, not having any hopes that I will succeed. I have a right to shut myself away from the world. Its safer for everyone trust me.
Well jeez THAT was depressing.
Anyway I'm going to try and get some sleep although I just had 8 hours I am still tired *looks at Nadia* shut it don't say another word. Anyway I'll get up in an hour or two. Order my desk yeyness. Go down to the bank, talk them about getting a new card. Then go to cash converters and insult them for trying to cheat me out of a dvd. Then go sainsbury's back home and maybe Kaz's today.
Got a cold and period pains from the period that is nowhere in sight.
So I'm off to go and snooze now *waves* byeee x x x
