let down by my sadness

ever felt like you have been looking forward to a day for a long time and then when it comes along and you leave feeling hollow and empty inside. Well I had that on saturday.

On saturday I met up with danny and his best friend luke. Bringing along ashley with me. prior to this though I got in a very heated argument with matt who left me, pretty much hurt, upset and angry and from the time I had to go, I just couldn't shift the damn feeling. I was down to the point when I actually didn't want to go.

Ash was all excited and I wanted to be like that, but I just couldn't. I couldn't smile, laugh much or be happy. so I stood behind the camera, taking pictures, watching everyone laugh, jump in there and get the hugs and stuff and normally I would be all up for that, but because of the mood I was in I really couldn't bring myself to do it.

to pretend I was happy when I wasn't. to be honest at one point I felt like leaving. just leaving ash there with the guys and going home. its not like I wasn't enjoying myself. I did. but not as much as I could have if I didn't have a whinging bf/ex or whatever I call him right now.. moaning at me, making all these damn rules and just breaking me and training me like some sort of DOG. UUUUURRRRGGGGH.

So if that wasn't bad enough, dan then says "stop being so stuck up" and thats when it hit me. wait one sec that's what I am coming across as? I'm nothing like that.I'm normally the fun bubbly kind, that glomps everyone and is really down to earth, well I have been told anyway. so I tried to make an extra effort, hugging, getting in pictures and smiling, even though I didn't want to. I didn't want to ruin anyone's day.

So at the end of it, went to the toilets and talked to him and I just got angrier. more sad and depressed and was near enough near tears.

I did however cheer up a tiny bit when a girl had the sign saying please rape me on her back hehe

Overall, I came home feeling like crap. I'm pretty sure I made a wonderful impression on everyone (sarcasm) so I went out and got a tiny bit hammered. XD

so note to self... when you feel like shit... STAY THE FUCK AT HOME.

Sweet Silver Lining

Im going home,
down-hearted and hoping Im close,
to some new beginning.
I know,
theres a reason for everything that comes and goes.

So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight
but Im just surviving.
And I may be weak but Im never defeated
and Ill keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining.

Most days I try
my best to put on a brave face
but inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks
but all the while, somethings keeping me safe and alive

So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight
but Im just surviving.
And I may be weak but Im never defeated
and Ill keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining.

I wont give up like this,
I will be given strength,
Now that Ive found it,
Oh nothing can take that away

So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight
but Im just surviving.
And I may be weak but Im never defeated
and Ill keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining.
Kate Voegele - Sweet Silver Lining

Heard this beautiful song during an episode of one tree hill... during one sexy Naley scene. When I get married I want to have a naley marriage, minus the problems XD

It describes how I feel right now, somehow its comforting. I will be strong for him, for myself and for my goal. This girl aint giving up without a fight. *smiles* this is how I have always been. the odds are always stacked against me and I struggle and I fight and I accomplish my goal and that's what I am going to do now.

This week has been good. Just exams, revising and watching amazing amounts of tv XD throughout this year my eyes barely graced a tv screen hehe ah well making up for lost time.

Nothing really that interesting to talk on so I guess I will end it there..

NALEY SCENE *W00T*

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. -Berthold Auerbach

Bored again, my first exam is on wednesday. Ahhhhhhh 9:30. I'm so going to be late for my exam XD

but I'm starting to see the fruits of my starvation XDD JK JK but I am starting to look better.... lookies!!!







go me. Gotta get my ticket if I can for something, mcm expo coming up yay! and a few other things. I had a very weird dream last night haha would be very weird if that did happen XD

Also made this out of boredom. thought it look pretty good.




pretty overall boring entry but... ah well. x x

I am the master of my fate... I am the captain of my soul.

So for all of you who didn't know... I'm trying to lose weight XD

I felt like it was something to do to pass the time XD nah, just getting tired of having extra rolls....soooo.... I made a little tickery thingy to show everyone how much weight I am losing. not like anyone cares or reads this but me, but I have decided to document this down, to motivate me so I can look back and go... holy crap... I've done it.

obviously haven't done it right now... but so far lost 35lbs that 2 stones and a half and counting hehe. Don't worry I aint close to being a stick yet, however I have got pics of me in a skirt... and short one...with no tights XD *gasps*





As promised:








as you can see my mid section still needs work but I'm getting there... I'm halfway. yay!!!



Matty, the boy who makes sense of my nonesense!! hehe

things have been good just been preparing for my exams... not scared just gonna go in there, kick its ass and have celebratory sushi wid ma boys XD

Been checking out music of recent... thought I need to update my library.. new bands that I'm thinking.. yeah bitch this is guuuuud to.

Onerepublic: everyone has probably heard this album, if you haven't please don't hesitate. This mans vocals are amazing and there sound is awesome too, very powerful at times... love it.

Fireflight: Favourite song is liar, if only I knew this song a while back I would have dedicated it to a few people in my life. This is a christian rock album, but don't let that stop you, it reaches out to you beyond the boundaries of religion. Its an amazing album and a woman with some damn good lungs.

Heather Nova: Redbird and South Albums. My gosh woman, if you were a man I would screw you just for your music talent XDD jk jk these two albums are on par with sarah mclachlan's albums. If you are a fan of her, then please skip on over to Heather Nova. Its only love, This body, waste the day... amazing songs with many other tracks that lovable. Must have albums... could not stop listening to them for daaaayyyysss.

K I'm done... hmm when I drop maybe a bit more I might update. hehe.

oh if you are wondering where I got the title for my blog entry its from an amazing poem written by William E. Henley called Invictus.

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.