I use to use this blog...

So exactly what the title says.

I use to this blog but I think its time for a change of address to somewhere where no one knows where it is so I can just vent... because I miss that. I miss writing my feelings down somewhere and not worrying if I am offending someone, or choosing my words carefully. So it will here for commemorative purposes, but other than that I may just write updates but the other blog will be my main place.

Its been years since I have been using this its a shame I have to move now but I think personally its for the best X x X

goodbye life I use to know... Hello to a daunting tomorrow.

Another end of an era. I'm sad a bit.confused. Things are gonna be hard.

Life always throws these things at me but I just have to trust in the lord and not be afraid and I guess also to have no fear.

Miss you matty! Wish you were around gah!!

Come Home - onerepublic

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

Song reminds me of matt. I want to transfer closer to him. I have nothing to lose, thats if I haven't already lost my sanity. I have dig in and survive this distance.
I'm so cold. I want him to make me smile like he does and laugh at the stupid things I say and do. Running around like kids. kiss him while people watch because we are an interacial couple XD kick him in his butt, have him pick me up every 5 seconds, lay in bed watching films, tv shows and anime. Fall asleep in his arms, play with his hair and hold his hand while he drives and fall asleep on his lap while he drives too. Him feeding me randomly, licking frosting off his fingers and him saying "damnnnnn woman" hehe doing the dishes while he kisses my neck, the random stuff we did in the tent like play our ds's till we fell asleep. eat junk food nearly every morning. me making him tea and him calling it Tealk. The way he smiles at me every morning and kisses me not even caring about my morning breath XD when he stands behind me, watching me put on my makeup and asks me not to because apparently I'm beautiful without it. They way he looked into my eyes after kissing me and smiled, because words always went when he did. The fact that he is proud to have me as a gf, against all the odds he stayed with me.Kissing him while he filled up his car with gas and him letting me put the cap back on, knowing how clumsy I was would let me do it all the time anyway. The way he talks about the future, telling me the details asking about kids and looking forward to waking up every morning and me being there next to him. watching him look after the kids at the pool, that was one thing I can say was a turn on that shouldn't have been XD talking about conspiracy's and issues of the world and not getting bored. watching him watch me playing guitar hero and seeing that smile on his face.

Writing all of that made me realize how much I miss my baby, I have tears in my eyes while I type because I look back and see how happy I was with him and not really happy here without him. I think he's gonna walk through the door randomly or I'll go to sleep and wake up here and realize it was all just a dream and I am still with him.

I may feel cold right now, I can't wait to be by his side again to feel that all over again.

Blue Valley Songbird

She was born in a place called blue valley
At the foot of the tennessee hills
With the blue birds and blue bells
And blue mountain water
And the sound of the blue whippoorwill
But there was no peace in the valley
Her daddy, a cruel, ruthless man
Used and abused her mind and her body
So her mama said run while you can
So at fifteen she took to the highway
Belongings and guitar in hand
And she buried herself in her music
The one thing she did understand
And she sings like a bird and she writes like a poet
Her voice has that high, lonesome sound
She hurts, and her songs are the best way to show it
So the blue valley songbird keeps traveling around
She hopes someday she will make it
And everyone says that she will
When she comes to town, crowds flock around
To see the girl from the tennessee hills
She writes her letter back home to her mama
In care of the preacher in town
Theyre sacred to her so she reads them at church
And so her daddy cannot track her down

And she sings like a bird and she cries like a baby
Whenever she turns off the lights
Shes a whole lot lonesome and a little bit crazy
From memries and miseries and dreams gone awry

Blue dress, blue shoes, a blue cadillac
A band dressed in blue by her side
Instruments tied to the top and the back
cause the blue valley songbird is singing tonight

One nighters, honky tonks, years flying by
She never made it, but lord knows she tries
Expressing the feelings she holds inside
And the blue valley songbird is singing tonight
Oh the blue valley songbird is singing tonight

And she sings like a bird and she writes like a poet

this song always touches my heart when I hear it... a tiny bit of it reminds me of me

let down by my sadness

ever felt like you have been looking forward to a day for a long time and then when it comes along and you leave feeling hollow and empty inside. Well I had that on saturday.

On saturday I met up with danny and his best friend luke. Bringing along ashley with me. prior to this though I got in a very heated argument with matt who left me, pretty much hurt, upset and angry and from the time I had to go, I just couldn't shift the damn feeling. I was down to the point when I actually didn't want to go.

Ash was all excited and I wanted to be like that, but I just couldn't. I couldn't smile, laugh much or be happy. so I stood behind the camera, taking pictures, watching everyone laugh, jump in there and get the hugs and stuff and normally I would be all up for that, but because of the mood I was in I really couldn't bring myself to do it.

to pretend I was happy when I wasn't. to be honest at one point I felt like leaving. just leaving ash there with the guys and going home. its not like I wasn't enjoying myself. I did. but not as much as I could have if I didn't have a whinging bf/ex or whatever I call him right now.. moaning at me, making all these damn rules and just breaking me and training me like some sort of DOG. UUUUURRRRGGGGH.

So if that wasn't bad enough, dan then says "stop being so stuck up" and thats when it hit me. wait one sec that's what I am coming across as? I'm nothing like that.I'm normally the fun bubbly kind, that glomps everyone and is really down to earth, well I have been told anyway. so I tried to make an extra effort, hugging, getting in pictures and smiling, even though I didn't want to. I didn't want to ruin anyone's day.

So at the end of it, went to the toilets and talked to him and I just got angrier. more sad and depressed and was near enough near tears.

I did however cheer up a tiny bit when a girl had the sign saying please rape me on her back hehe

Overall, I came home feeling like crap. I'm pretty sure I made a wonderful impression on everyone (sarcasm) so I went out and got a tiny bit hammered. XD

so note to self... when you feel like shit... STAY THE FUCK AT HOME.

Sweet Silver Lining

Im going home,
down-hearted and hoping Im close,
to some new beginning.
I know,
theres a reason for everything that comes and goes.

So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight
but Im just surviving.
And I may be weak but Im never defeated
and Ill keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining.

Most days I try
my best to put on a brave face
but inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks
but all the while, somethings keeping me safe and alive

So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight
but Im just surviving.
And I may be weak but Im never defeated
and Ill keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining.

I wont give up like this,
I will be given strength,
Now that Ive found it,
Oh nothing can take that away

So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight
but Im just surviving.
And I may be weak but Im never defeated
and Ill keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining.
Kate Voegele - Sweet Silver Lining

Heard this beautiful song during an episode of one tree hill... during one sexy Naley scene. When I get married I want to have a naley marriage, minus the problems XD

It describes how I feel right now, somehow its comforting. I will be strong for him, for myself and for my goal. This girl aint giving up without a fight. *smiles* this is how I have always been. the odds are always stacked against me and I struggle and I fight and I accomplish my goal and that's what I am going to do now.

This week has been good. Just exams, revising and watching amazing amounts of tv XD throughout this year my eyes barely graced a tv screen hehe ah well making up for lost time.

Nothing really that interesting to talk on so I guess I will end it there..

NALEY SCENE *W00T*

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. -Berthold Auerbach

Bored again, my first exam is on wednesday. Ahhhhhhh 9:30. I'm so going to be late for my exam XD

but I'm starting to see the fruits of my starvation XDD JK JK but I am starting to look better.... lookies!!!







go me. Gotta get my ticket if I can for something, mcm expo coming up yay! and a few other things. I had a very weird dream last night haha would be very weird if that did happen XD

Also made this out of boredom. thought it look pretty good.




pretty overall boring entry but... ah well. x x

I am the master of my fate... I am the captain of my soul.

So for all of you who didn't know... I'm trying to lose weight XD

I felt like it was something to do to pass the time XD nah, just getting tired of having extra rolls....soooo.... I made a little tickery thingy to show everyone how much weight I am losing. not like anyone cares or reads this but me, but I have decided to document this down, to motivate me so I can look back and go... holy crap... I've done it.

obviously haven't done it right now... but so far lost 35lbs that 2 stones and a half and counting hehe. Don't worry I aint close to being a stick yet, however I have got pics of me in a skirt... and short one...with no tights XD *gasps*





As promised:








as you can see my mid section still needs work but I'm getting there... I'm halfway. yay!!!



Matty, the boy who makes sense of my nonesense!! hehe

things have been good just been preparing for my exams... not scared just gonna go in there, kick its ass and have celebratory sushi wid ma boys XD

Been checking out music of recent... thought I need to update my library.. new bands that I'm thinking.. yeah bitch this is guuuuud to.

Onerepublic: everyone has probably heard this album, if you haven't please don't hesitate. This mans vocals are amazing and there sound is awesome too, very powerful at times... love it.

Fireflight: Favourite song is liar, if only I knew this song a while back I would have dedicated it to a few people in my life. This is a christian rock album, but don't let that stop you, it reaches out to you beyond the boundaries of religion. Its an amazing album and a woman with some damn good lungs.

Heather Nova: Redbird and South Albums. My gosh woman, if you were a man I would screw you just for your music talent XDD jk jk these two albums are on par with sarah mclachlan's albums. If you are a fan of her, then please skip on over to Heather Nova. Its only love, This body, waste the day... amazing songs with many other tracks that lovable. Must have albums... could not stop listening to them for daaaayyyysss.

K I'm done... hmm when I drop maybe a bit more I might update. hehe.

oh if you are wondering where I got the title for my blog entry its from an amazing poem written by William E. Henley called Invictus.

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Oh mother.

No matter what we go through,and are going through now I remember that you have kept me stronger and made me a stronger human to face all the things that crossed my path. I didn't understand things and was angry at you, but now I understand and still you are the most amazing woman to grace my life. Thankyou x

Whoa, oh, yeah,

She was so young with such innocent eyes
She always dreamt of a fairytale life
And all the things that your money can't buy
She thought that he was a wonderful guy
Then suddenly, things seemed to change
It was the moment she took on his name
He took his anger out on her face
She kept all of her pain locked away

Oh mother, we're stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don't look back
Cause he'll never hurt us again

So mother, I thank you
For all that you've done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through
We always pull through
We always pull through
Oh mother, oh mother, oh mother

It was the day that he turned on the kids
That she knew she just had to leave him
So many voices inside of her head
Saying over and over and over,
"You deserve much more than this."

She was so sick of believing the lies and trying to hide
Covering the cuts and bruises (cuts and bruises)
So tired of defending her life, she could have died
Fighting for the lives of her children

Oh mother, we're stronger
From all of the tears you have shed (all of the tears you have shed)
Oh mother, don't look back
Cause he'll never hurt us again (he'll never hurt us again)

So mother, I thank you (thank you)
For all that you've done and still do (still do)
You got me, I got you, (yeah you got me and I got you)
Together we always pull through.
Oh mother, oh mother, oh mother

All of your life you have spent
burying hurt and regret
But mama, he'll never touch us again

For everytime he tried to bring you down
Just remember who stood around
It's over, and we're stronger
And we'll never have to go back again

Oh mother, we're stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don't look back (oh mother don't look back again)
Cause he'll never hurt us again (cause he'll never hurt us again)

So mother, I thank you (and I thank you for all that you've done)
For all that you've done and still do (together we always move on)
You got me, I got you, (you got me, I got you)
Together we always pull through (always pull through)
We always pull through
We always pull through

I love you mom

Christina Aguilera - Oh mother

You're gonna save me from myself

Recently, life has been good.Uni work is getting more and more and my sleep is getting less and less, but for some reason I can still smile and be like yay!!! life is gooood!

This year I wanted to switch it up a bit so I am going to America for an internship. Yeah I know... so 2 months in the sun, with great people and then back here to possibly take resits well if I need to that is.

Strangely lost more weight... not intended, but it happened. However after to losing it, I am slowly but surely putting it back on. I think its my love of walking home after a long day at uni ... my hours are now 9 -6 (Yeah I know ...painful) and talking with my mates and chomping down into a good old tasty whopper burger from bk which is conveniently right next to the train station. So maybe I might want to lay off the burgers for a bit XD

planning to go and see Inme in april and also see danny on saturday although I may have to cancel that due to some problems. I only wish for 3DD to stop back around and go on tour in the uk again they were amazing, when I saw them live last year, I got to hug Brad... good times. Shame I am going to miss download this year, I heard they are considering it, along with inme and brigade.

I found pictures of the past yesterday and strangely I stuck them on the wall... they made me smile, brought back warm memories that I thought I had lost, because of all the stuff that has happened. I haveth a picture wally now, well technically a scrap book but the wall version XD So far, really prettiful.

To many pictures of hubby (matt) up there though, might need to take some down XD I've been eying a rather smexy SLR cam though, it will be minnnnnnneee! My shots are improving, more than I thought they ever would! Wouldn't mind getting more interesting shots, but I guess I just have to be paying more attentions to my surroundings... and for those who know me, when I am running my mouth that rarely happens. I will step out in roads with on coming cars, I will walk right in to lamp posts XD

Okay so I am rambling on and have nothing to say, so I'm just gonna end it there. I might write something else.. when I find time and patience to do so and for people who are still reading this... HAVE YOU NO LIVES?! xD kidding love ya all you smexy people and I'm out *poofs* *comes back* like magic biznatches like magic *poofs again*





Snow day... monster snowman!!!



FABLE 2!!! BUY!!! PLAY!!! BE HAPPPPY!!!

I swear I must be on something. I know what I am on, but I'm not telling XD *weird* shutting up now!