Springs have got me holding on! but I don't know just for how long!

So many times she has slipped that noose around her neck crying, "This is it"
So many times she has stood at the edge of a five story building screaming, "This is really it"
So many times she has lay on her flood praying for the Asprin to kick in, "I hate this shit"
So many times she has pressed the razor to her wrist sobbing till it hurts, "I'll never quit"
So many times she's started a note, "I'm sorry... I love you so"
So many times she's almost finished it, "It's my time to go"
So many times she's crumpled it up saying, "What does this show?"
So many times he's picked up the phone, "I love you. Don't go."

- By Slowlydying

Trust me I have written so many entries before this one, but because the lack of memory stck I cannot upload anything *cries* soo enough I will get paid and will remotely back ont he internet world. Okay Not that I am feeling anything like what is wrriten above... well except for the last line. Well Chris will not let me go. I love him of course but I can't be with him ever and I know it. So what is the point of me living these little tiny fantasys that keeps on happening. I wanna be "his" girl. I remember talkign tohim about it. I said to him I wanna be his but I can't. He was saying something along the lines of "this is me and you. Remember. Not you,me, your dad and mine. So already I see it as you are my girl!" Why does he have to be so stubborn and undeniably sweet. Oh1 god guys what the fuck am I going to do I swore to myself I wouldn't go down this road again but it seems like that's where it is going. Sufia and Jasmine are saying that I should just give in and go out with the boy and deal with the bad times when they start coming. The bad times are here and I think he's dad knows that we are more than friendly with each other,which could end badly so I'm in confused ville. Still happy, but just confused.

So what else has been going on with me. To tell you the truth nothing much. Been going college and having fun in my lessons. English and Media kick ass. I'm sorry but it has to be said there are so many people in there that are so fucking entertaining that it hurts. Um got new friends as well and some old that used to go to st saviours and stuff but everything on the college front is looking okay.

Um my mum is having a meeting today with lambeth housing society to finalise where exactly we are going to be housed to wheter it be brixton or stretham I will be one happy chic when I move.

Azera has been in labour for the past weeks. Yeah I know scary. I never wanna push a child out and if I suddenly end up wanting children may you please shoot me during the process. but yeah she has been bleeding (not that I really care) but you get the point if I live there any longer I might have a screaming brat as well as her annoying mother on my case. Azera basically has been seriously pissing me off she has said to my social worker that I have been taking all her stuff and have been using them to my certain use. May I just say something everytime anyone has seen Azera hasn't she worn a GAP t-shirt on. If I am correct isn't that GAP t-shirt mine. My trainers now smell like her feet because she wears them more than I do. She uses my laptop and just random other stuff... do I complain. But me what have I used of hers. Maybe just her oil and that's it. Oh and her boots when she pisses me off when in the morning I wake up and find the shoes that was once there before, gone. She also *cracks up* said to my social worker *laughs again* that I cut my arms. *looks at arms* um I don't see any marks there do you??? I haven't taken a knife, glass or any of that shit to my arm, never have, But now suddenly out of the blue my social worker is asking to see my arms. I gladly showed them. She was confused of course and told me all of the things that she said. I wanna strangle her, But that would kill her baby *thinks* ah well two for the price of one.

Inme have scheduled another gig yey. For december the 17 this time I will personally go down there myself, okay not by myself Jenny and maybe ron might follow. To get tickets. Hmmm but I'm just too tired to even drag myself down to west again (went down there two days ago with and Sufia to go Camden). Oh Sufia told me to say "Yeyness is fun" okay lol!

Um what else has happened with me..... ummmmmmmm .....*goes blank* um my english teacher deifnately must like me...okay because I just keep on getting winked at and stuff and given looks and its funny. I like Mr Tidey (nick) he is a great and fun teacher.

Oh and apparently I have a big mouth according to certain people who know themselves anyway so what's the point of actually mentioning their name (might tarnish the beauty of this entry)but I guess I deserve every comment I get even though I haven't done anything wrong. Because I actually speak up and don't hide my emotions for once... I get all of this...Ah well. Life is too good right now to care about the small things and the annoying people in it don't you agree.

Tim is back in uni so hey Tim!!! *waves* more net convo's!! been missing you being online al the time! um Fran has gone off to uni! *woots* well done and have a great time. I also got praised for my "perfect Ghetto evening video", which was apparently so influencing that after it 3 people went to go and watch aladdin lol!

So anyways guys I'm off I will put all the previous entries that I wrote in here but this entry might just sum them all up. But it's worth hearing it though... yeah... yeah I thought so!!!!

Darkness falls upon her attitude! Regaining the fire

This week seems to be a week of just plain arguments with friends and annoying housemates. When I say annoying housemates I think you all know who I speak of. But anyways chronological order I will do all the arguments that have taken place during the week.

Starting with enrolment day which was on Thursday it was okay...okay l got so annoyed on that day I swear to God when I went kickboxing on Friday you could actually see dents in the bag. So anyways let me explain the day as I remember it least you will get a jest of what I was facing on that day. 'Cause I have heard so many different versions to this one day to make certain sound more victimized than they originally were.

So basically I got there to the college at 9:30 because I forgot when I coming from forest hill I have to change buses at Catford. So the journey was quite long. I got a lovely txt message from Sufia asking me where I was. No one complained when I got there because I explained how bloody big Catford was and they understood. So basically we get into the building and they give us the rooms we are meant to enroll in since me and Sufia were doing A-levels and our courses are on demand and it's a first come serve basis. We said to Kaz that we could do hers after we do our because the courses she wanted to do where not in high demand.

So we go into enroll and Sufia has to choose out of group and she couldn't mix and match her subjects. This means if she had to do any sciences she would have to chemistry, biology and physics. That is what she did last year and she nearly broke. Those courses were really putting on the pressure and she was not going to make the same mistake again. My problem was that they didn't have English language A2 course. I mean what college doesn't have an English course are they high. Plus they were saying they were a bit nervous about putting me in even though I have a B in AS because I come from a different school. Then they were trying to force a YEHE course on me. I think bullshit I got grades higher than that.

So I took the sheet and told Sufia about my problem and I realized she was having one as well. Sufia asked me do I wanna check out Southwark college and I said because they aren't offering me what I want here so I might as well. Looking at the time we would just about get down there to get decent course and stuff. So outside Kaz started going into one of her moods. Because I told her that's what I am gonna do and trying to get me to sign up to do drama when I have already done it. So Kaz and Sufia get in an argument because Sufia was telling her that we were on a tight schedule and she had to make up her mind whether she was staying here or coming to Southwark College with us. She just sat there in silence and saying how we were being unfair and how we were leaving her alone. I got a phone call from Sabriye and went outside. They were standing on the stairs still arguing while people going past.

After about half an hour and Sufia edging away from Kaz 'because I know that look she was gonna punch her. She was getting really frustrated. Sufia asked me am I coming with her, because Kaz was just sitting there not making her mind up or anything. The n she said take me to the room then. So if she was upset that we weren't taking her to her room then we would and maybe she might feel better.

So we took her to her room and keep in mind we have to take a journey all the way to waterloo from lewisham. So we stand outside and then she comes to the door asking if we were coming in. So I come in standing next her while she is still sniffling and Sufia stays at a far away distance. So we are sitting there for about 3 minutes Max when Kaz just walks out and says she aint coming to college and that she aint following us to Southwark College and that lot and we caught the bus and she was still crying when she got off. I was annoyed that after all of that, even though I proud that it took her that much courage but she went and signed up and still got the courses she wanted.

At Southwark college Law, all the sciences were filled up and psychology. The subjects I basically needed to go to uni and the courses Sufia also needed as well. Let's just say Sufie is not a happy bunny right now. So I'm doing sociology, Media and English A2.

So I went to her house and she wasn't there and then I saw marky mark in Pub and then I went it. Asked him if he knew where Dwaine was because wherever Dwaine is Kaz is normally. Then he told me about the version that he heard from Kaz's front and that made me mad and stuff, because that was really different from how it was.

So Mark called him and said that he was at Kaz's mum's house. So I was infuriated the only way I was gonna stop being angry was if I saw her and screamed a bit. Mark said to me too many people in that house hate you right now because she probably told them the version I heard. I really didn't give a shit to be honest. So we leave mark to up sink his sorrows in a glass of alcohol and make our way to Kaz's mum's house. Jasmine made it sure that Kaz only saw her nice and kind face first before she saw me on the other side of the door pissed off as hell.

So we talk, I get my point across and she tells us how insecure she is about certain things and then I tell her she needs to stand on her feet for a change and stop depending on people. I don't think she was listening but for once I spoke out about I feel, which I don't normally do. I will either just sit there and get in a mood or just sulk.

So Yesterday I got into a big ass argument with Azera (I think I'm on a roll watch out anyone if you piss me off I might just snap at you lol!) She started up an argument with my mum about her going to church and stuff about how fake she is and stuff and my mum was really hurt so it just set me off and I started shouting and screaming my ass off. I could tell she was upset about what I was saying but hey I don't care. I told her how she uses that baby in her stomach to get charity and make me people be on her side and just takes the piss with everyone and its pissing me off. I called her selfish, attention seeker. Do you know what I think has brought on this sudden change in my attitude is because I am slowly slipping back into being me! I fed up of people fucking me around and my mum was even saying to me that I was scary when I was arguing with Azera. She was even still arguing with my mum while arguing with me I was saying "look you are arguing with me now. So stop begging rudeness with my mother and shout at me."

I got really pissed off she is another person who I have just let run over me like a fucking steam roller. so she started befriending me this morning that bought food and stuff and stocked up the freezer with her own money and no-one elses *gasps* Mark is telling me to go over to Kaz's because he is bored out of his mind and has nothing else better to do. So he asked me and I said that I would go with him.

Plus the refuge got broken into last night after I went out round the corner because chris came to see me. We walked through the park, drank coke, ate muffins (doesn't taste nice with coke) and he walked me back home. Basically Bernadette this chick that lives in the hostel, is one crazy ass bitch and basically she was holding a knife and twisting it in her head, ready to draw blood. I had to take her two year old off her. It was just so twisted. The police came and checked the whole building and checked that it was secure and stuff. We nearly all had a sleepover in the lounge, cause we were all terrified that was some random person just wondering around.

so yeah I wouldn't exactly think this was an update about stuff but I guess I am not bothered to write the rest. So yeah bye from me guysxxx

Bleeding totally for you bleeding

Well everyone I have had a packed week. Yep very packed. Um Friday it was mark’s b-day we had so much fun it was great but on that Friday we all got a bit tipsy and we just started running around Camberwell Green Park. I started singing for fun it was entertaining for them lot. Then again I am always entertainment. *smiles*. I also for some odd reason was shouting in the middle of the park with Kaz “I am black”. Shock of all shocks charlotte…Yes miss Hayes did not and I repeat did not drink any alcohol. My husband (Scotty) keeps on laughing at me ‘cus I kept on dropping off the bed while I was trying to lie on it.

On Saturday Scott’s dad was taking us to some ones birthday party or something so we went. It was the funniest thing ever, there was loads of Karaoke and stuff and we wanted to go up to and sing, but we didn’t but I met Scott’s skinny cousin Lenny. Lets just say something me, Kaz and Jasmine were being touched up by him, kissed, groped and don’t even start talking about Scott's dad he was attacking me. Literally he was groping my butt, kissed me on lips (very forcefully) pulled me around the pub by the chain on my cargos and commented on my knickers, that he had to take them off me by his teeth lol. It was quite funny I just had to keep on telling my husband to make his dad stop and protect me, which was funny. His dad kept on giving me drinks and Kaz’s and Lenny kept on attacking me and Kaz’s tits not good. So as a dare…. We all dared one another meaning me, Kaz and Jasmine to all kiss each other and not just on the cheek or anything full on lips. So we got on with it and we thought it was quite funny that all the boys were left in total surprise it was so funny they were all like do it again. Oh please do it again. Then they dared me to go up to Scott and kiss him on the lips I couldn’t. So Jasmine took the dare.

So after much eating and much drinking and dancing down the road (don’t ask) we got back to Kaz’s house and started playing music and singing along. It was quite the thing to watch all of us screeching to whenever, wherever by Shakira.

On Monday went to go to visit Chris. No one was in the house. Kicked his ass on Underground 2 and Tekken 5, numerous times that it was shameful for him. Then he just wiped the floor with me on Worms (which is another one of my specialties) and Pro evolution soccer 4. Then we went downstairs to watch buffy.
Now I can tell you something we weren’t nervous to be around each other it was just that we both knew what the other person was thinking. So every time I tried to get up from the sofa to get a drink he kept on pulling down by my chain. (what is up with guys and my chain. What do they look yankable?) so anyway on the last yank of my chain. I fell on to him with my legs over his lap, which fucking hurt. I only remembered that because I still have a bruise. He laughed, smiled, rubbed my back, aww’d at my sad face and leaned into kiss me and there we were kissing. lol *blushes* *see’s stbfe’s lot jumping around* We talked for long afterwards and he made another black redhead joke about how it is now affecting my ability to stand upright. We joked about. We know we are about to play with fire for a second time, but we just gotta stick this one out together. We are gonna try and not take it any further or not tell anyone. but its gonna be hard. So after having a slight water fight in the kitchen. He walked me to the train station, waited for my train to take me to Denmark hill. We stood there listening to the mp3 tracks on his PSP (he better stop showing me the features or I’m gonna jack it) When my train came he didn’t wanna let me go not that I was minding us standing there and hugging and kissing each other, but I had a very impatient Mark and Sufia waiting for me in Peckham.

Went to Shaun’s house it was alright… everyone was laughing and joking and stuff and Dwaine was so high, his eyes went all glassy. Now I know when someone is high. I have seen my brother in that state many times. It was funny how he was denying it when he was stumbling around. Um had to babysit Kaz for about half an hour or so while she laid on the concrete for taking in
too much alcohol at once. *tuts*

so what else have I got to do this week. Um enroll for college, see my brother, meet up with vic who is in London again. Me and chris to go Forbidden Planet. Go stationary shopping… Oh yey! Update my blogs template. Yep I made one that suits how I feel right now. Um change my blog song to “since you’ve been gone” me and char have been ranting and raving about this song. I think Kelly Clarkson would have got less people calling her a poser if she just stuck with her original look but did just did the song. Not Play dress up. The song is still good though.

Um got loads to do, and little time to do it in. Blog requests have been flying in like no man’s business. I Have one of the most complicated request on my hands right now. To make her writing area shaped like a moon and her tagger area shaped like a star. Taking off for now guys. More updates soon…see yaxxx