I don't know how to start this without sounding weird. But I am scared. A sudden fear has come over me tonight. Something that is telling me that what was given to me is a message is close.
I have a knowledge that I won't be here for much longer. That I may cease to exist. Today I feel weak.. worn down, not full of life anymore. Its like my body has started to give up on me. I have been getting terrible headaches for ages
and light now is hurting my eyes. Yes this all sounds very weird... very strange, very imaginary. But its true.
I guess I am writing this entry because I feel I wanted something to be said, just encase if anything does happen to me. god, the more I write this, the more strange it sounds.
*head in hands* just saying thank you to anyone who has graced my life, in one way or another.. I wanna thank you. whether you were a good impact or a bad one, I still love ya... Yes Martha this does include you. Because along the way, each of you taught me, made me stronger with everything I had to face.
Your courage or you negativity, pushed me to boundaries that made me step up my game as a person.
I've enjoyed everything, this world. And no this is not a suicide note lol.
I a way I always knew that someone was always controlling my destiny. That it was never in my own hands, that everything I faced. All the heartbreak, the tears, the rejection, the abuse was for a reason. A greater reason that I can ever imagine on even being graced with.
I have a really big decision I have to make, and for some reason I am so scared to make it, with all the odds stacked against me, I feel like giving up.
There is a big hourglass sitting next to my head, ticking down my time, I know I am ill and there is nothing I can do about it, than to become a Christian. My ignorance, my inability to follow ground rules which my mother has set me, refuse such a commitment.
I sit here with one single question... just bouncing around in my head "why me??"
"what do I have to play a significant part in all of this"
I'm scared... to you this may seem like total crap, to me .... to everyone who is involved. Life just took another scary turn.
ttyl x x
Friday, January 26, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
woah season 4 is the shizzle.
Okay it is 06:42 in the morning and I just finished season 4 of alias.
Can i just say something, all this time I have been missing out.
It was jaw dropping... I swear my love for alias has been renewed like magic.
The Finale fight between Sydney and Nadia was hyped up a bit too much, but still, sydeny so would have died if sloane
hadn't saved her ass. Also Michael vartan (vaughn) hotttttt. In the last two episodes ecspecially must get that scene in the bar.
I would want treat him rough too if that's what happens *smiles*
I love this boxset must watch it again. *goes off to start at episode one* actually scrap that this must be borrowed to Sabriye.
Season 2 and season 4 are definately my fav seasons. They shouldn't have ended this show.. can't wait until season 5 comes out yey.
Yes, this may seem completely sad to some, but... *shrugs*
I bought season 2 as well so I'm off.
God if one more person calls me to tell me to call my dad... I will scream. Damn the man is evil, not sweet, funny and innocent.
Hell is that man, when they say the devil is walking this earth he is him.
Yes I know I have been pissed off within the last few days and surprisingly watching back to back episodes of Alias has calmed me down
ecspecially watching michael vartan for that long *drools* make me a very happy girl *laughs* twtylxxxx
Oh my favourite Sydney and vaughn scene, I also like what happens after but I couldn't find it. lol This scene is so sexy... vaughn and sydney in a club talking on comms about being "rough" but who is on the other side of the line. This scene is just class.
Can i just say something, all this time I have been missing out.
It was jaw dropping... I swear my love for alias has been renewed like magic.
The Finale fight between Sydney and Nadia was hyped up a bit too much, but still, sydeny so would have died if sloane
hadn't saved her ass. Also Michael vartan (vaughn) hotttttt. In the last two episodes ecspecially must get that scene in the bar.
I would want treat him rough too if that's what happens *smiles*
I love this boxset must watch it again. *goes off to start at episode one* actually scrap that this must be borrowed to Sabriye.
Season 2 and season 4 are definately my fav seasons. They shouldn't have ended this show.. can't wait until season 5 comes out yey.
Yes, this may seem completely sad to some, but... *shrugs*
I bought season 2 as well so I'm off.
God if one more person calls me to tell me to call my dad... I will scream. Damn the man is evil, not sweet, funny and innocent.
Hell is that man, when they say the devil is walking this earth he is him.
Yes I know I have been pissed off within the last few days and surprisingly watching back to back episodes of Alias has calmed me down
ecspecially watching michael vartan for that long *drools* make me a very happy girl *laughs* twtylxxxx
Oh my favourite Sydney and vaughn scene, I also like what happens after but I couldn't find it. lol This scene is so sexy... vaughn and sydney in a club talking on comms about being "rough" but who is on the other side of the line. This scene is just class.
Monday, January 15, 2007
The old Alliances are dead. Cordie, you are on your own. Roger that.
Simplest post I am ever gonna have to make.
- The is a big possibility I might die in a few years... All my finest enimies are welcome to dances on my grave when that happens. Trust me I wont feel a thing I will be burning.
- I swear if Anthony Nteh comes anywhere near me I will behead him. I read his conversation to Alex... Lets just say I am just a toy to everyone.
- IF TOKS DOESN'T STOP STALKING ME I WILL CUT OFF HIS BALLS AND SHOVE EM UP HIS ASS. AND IF HE AINT DEAD BY THEN I WILL CHOP OF HIS DICK AND STICK IT DOWN HIS THROAT HOPEFULLY ITS BIG ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM CHOKE. DUMBASS.
- ALEX IF YOU ARE READING THIS.... stop and I do mean STOP PHONING ME. MY GOD, GET A NEW TOY TO PLAY WITH. THAT'S WHAT MOST GUYS DO. I LET YOU GO FREE, YOU'RE A BIRD YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FLY AWAY, NOT CONTINUE TO PECK AT MY SLEEVE.
PLEASE SOMEONE DROP A MACHINE GUN IN MY HAND AND DO IT NOW.
Only one plus though. I bought Alias season 4 on dvd yey... oh and David STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAMN DOOR.
I AM NOT APOLOGISING TO ANYONE FOR THESE MESSAGES SO DON'T START ASKING FOR APOLOGIES BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT BE RECIEVED. BUT IF YOU WANT ONE SO BAD I WILL SEE IF THE CORINNE HUNT I DON'T CARE STORE HAS ANY IN STOCK FOR YOU.
Excuse me before I decide to strangle anyone I will be watching my Alias dvd. CATCHING UP WHAT MY DAMN STUPID LITTLE LIFE THAT AINT EVEN WORTH LIVING (eventhough I want to continue living it) MADE ME MISS.
- The is a big possibility I might die in a few years... All my finest enimies are welcome to dances on my grave when that happens. Trust me I wont feel a thing I will be burning.
- I swear if Anthony Nteh comes anywhere near me I will behead him. I read his conversation to Alex... Lets just say I am just a toy to everyone.
- IF TOKS DOESN'T STOP STALKING ME I WILL CUT OFF HIS BALLS AND SHOVE EM UP HIS ASS. AND IF HE AINT DEAD BY THEN I WILL CHOP OF HIS DICK AND STICK IT DOWN HIS THROAT HOPEFULLY ITS BIG ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM CHOKE. DUMBASS.
- ALEX IF YOU ARE READING THIS.... stop and I do mean STOP PHONING ME. MY GOD, GET A NEW TOY TO PLAY WITH. THAT'S WHAT MOST GUYS DO. I LET YOU GO FREE, YOU'RE A BIRD YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FLY AWAY, NOT CONTINUE TO PECK AT MY SLEEVE.
PLEASE SOMEONE DROP A MACHINE GUN IN MY HAND AND DO IT NOW.
Only one plus though. I bought Alias season 4 on dvd yey... oh and David STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAMN DOOR.
I AM NOT APOLOGISING TO ANYONE FOR THESE MESSAGES SO DON'T START ASKING FOR APOLOGIES BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT BE RECIEVED. BUT IF YOU WANT ONE SO BAD I WILL SEE IF THE CORINNE HUNT I DON'T CARE STORE HAS ANY IN STOCK FOR YOU.
Excuse me before I decide to strangle anyone I will be watching my Alias dvd. CATCHING UP WHAT MY DAMN STUPID LITTLE LIFE THAT AINT EVEN WORTH LIVING (eventhough I want to continue living it) MADE ME MISS.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Drinking myself to shreds, breaking hearts that I just can't mend.Stop all these voice inside my head. Coke,Coffee,Alcohol, love and loss.all I got.
9 Things you have done today?
- Lost my mind
- Went to Alex's thinking spot
- Drank alcohol alone in my room and got successfully pissed
- Repeated my whole life in my head
- Spoke to Alex
- Cried
- Put up my DOA poster that Komal got me for christmas
- Wrote a poem and ripped it up.
- Listened to music so loud that neighbours from 3 doors away told me to low down my music.
8 Issues you have in your life right now
- The fact this quiz is asking me to list my issues is pissing me off.
- I don't have a problem, but since I have come back from my holiday I have been drinking bottles of rum straight and alone in my room.
- People who tell jokes which are not fucking funny
- People who say they fucking love me over and over on the phone.
- This damn world is just fucking corrupted, you could have the devil dancing around on earth and no one would give a rats ass
- Bus fare and travelcards going up.I mean come on Ken, if you put up the prices anymore, I might as well walk to uni. Fucking hell
- My weight actually,I haven't really noticed how much weight I am putting on. Maybe I should try charlottes favorite diet... is called how to lose weight with bulima *laughs* nah I wouldn't try that. I kinda like my tits (like many men do) and my ass *pats it* and I am big but My height doesn't let the worst of it show.
- Parents and men who trying to get my mother and me not allowed to just be free. I always have something holding me down. Someone blackmailing me.
7 Bad things you have done?
- Took ecstacy when I was fourteen.bad crowd.
- Hurting people emotionally. I mean I study their weak points and when I need to I exploit them. Yeah I'm not so fucking innocent after all.
- Travelled across the world without my mothers knowledge.
- Set a part of burgess park alight and it was in a newletter and on the news
- Jumped a police officer
- 'Cheated' twice on a boyfriend
- Went of my way to total destroy someone
6 Happy Memories ( to tell you the truth there aren't that many)
- The Park, I was part of a group, everyone knew my name, got my humour and loved me for who I was.
- Drunken Times with Kaz,Jasmine, charlotte (eventhough truly she is a little fucking whore),Mark,scott(weed head),Anthony ( backstabbing liar),Dwaine (paedophile),Scanner (crackhead number 1),danny (crackhead number 2),Leanne (*COUGH* Incest *cough*,alisson,asher(ass),chantelle (Slut) and martha(just got fucking issues). Once again because everyone knew me, I was comfortablein my surroundings.I could drink, scream and they would understand it was just part of my strangeness and accepted it.
- When I fell in love the first time. It truly was strange and beautiful lol.
- When I passed My first guitar exam. Chris was getting updated by my mum how I was doing, then I went to party with David.
- When David and I went to our first live wrestling show, That is a fucking buzz. I swear to god its like a damn mosh pit but with seats lol.
- Random Birthday, holidays, brother and sisterly love moments. When I was actually showed love from my parents.
5 Things that turn you on (wtf????)
- Grind with me by Pretty Ricky
- Anything to do with my neck and behind my knee *laughs* I'm ticklish, but if you do it right I will be putty in your hands.
- Alcohol and my period lol I know that sounds sick but its true when I am drunk or on my period I get horny.
- Easiest one ... porn.
- Danger
4 Things you love (nothing this world sucks)
- My friends. The energy they give me is unbelivable, I'm like a vampire sometimes. Sucking them dry and that makes it able for me to entertain them for many hours on end
- Alex, I know its wrong for me too. But I do. I think I always will, he is the one guy who has stuck with me through my shit and when he was so faithful to me I let him go. He connected with me on a different level to any guy I have dated. To Him I am perfect, eventhough I am a train wreck.
- My mind and the way it works. It gives me the knowledge to argue anything when the time comes to it.. Yes I may be nervous and stammery at first but in the end it will be your ass walking away in shame. Debating worldly issues, Religion, theroy's, general ideas and so forth.
- Uni. Its the greatest place ever. Everyone is just so nice and kind and lectures and our sleeping in turn system works pefectly lol. Plus.... because I can't write five, I love my mum.
3 Things you want to do in the future
- A porn star lol
- My dream job... Ya'll know what that is, which kinda doesn't help the first one lol
- To least have a band on the side and get a rock mag *smiles* and in astoria. Then world domination hahahaha.
2 Things you regret
- Jack shit
- Jack shit... Live is there to be lived not to be regretted. Yeah we make many mistakes along the way. but god damn it only makes us stronger. I know I have improved from my mistakes. Yeah I can be a morbid fuck at times, but I could be botherd with what people think or say and its my life not yours. Mind your own business lol.
1 Thing you miss
- Too many things to be just one.
- Lost my mind
- Went to Alex's thinking spot
- Drank alcohol alone in my room and got successfully pissed
- Repeated my whole life in my head
- Spoke to Alex
- Cried
- Put up my DOA poster that Komal got me for christmas
- Wrote a poem and ripped it up.
- Listened to music so loud that neighbours from 3 doors away told me to low down my music.
8 Issues you have in your life right now
- The fact this quiz is asking me to list my issues is pissing me off.
- I don't have a problem, but since I have come back from my holiday I have been drinking bottles of rum straight and alone in my room.
- People who tell jokes which are not fucking funny
- People who say they fucking love me over and over on the phone.
- This damn world is just fucking corrupted, you could have the devil dancing around on earth and no one would give a rats ass
- Bus fare and travelcards going up.I mean come on Ken, if you put up the prices anymore, I might as well walk to uni. Fucking hell
- My weight actually,I haven't really noticed how much weight I am putting on. Maybe I should try charlottes favorite diet... is called how to lose weight with bulima *laughs* nah I wouldn't try that. I kinda like my tits (like many men do) and my ass *pats it* and I am big but My height doesn't let the worst of it show.
- Parents and men who trying to get my mother and me not allowed to just be free. I always have something holding me down. Someone blackmailing me.
7 Bad things you have done?
- Took ecstacy when I was fourteen.bad crowd.
- Hurting people emotionally. I mean I study their weak points and when I need to I exploit them. Yeah I'm not so fucking innocent after all.
- Travelled across the world without my mothers knowledge.
- Set a part of burgess park alight and it was in a newletter and on the news
- Jumped a police officer
- 'Cheated' twice on a boyfriend
- Went of my way to total destroy someone
6 Happy Memories ( to tell you the truth there aren't that many)
- The Park, I was part of a group, everyone knew my name, got my humour and loved me for who I was.
- Drunken Times with Kaz,Jasmine, charlotte (eventhough truly she is a little fucking whore),Mark,scott(weed head),Anthony ( backstabbing liar),Dwaine (paedophile),Scanner (crackhead number 1),danny (crackhead number 2),Leanne (*COUGH* Incest *cough*,alisson,asher(ass),chantelle (Slut) and martha(just got fucking issues). Once again because everyone knew me, I was comfortablein my surroundings.I could drink, scream and they would understand it was just part of my strangeness and accepted it.
- When I fell in love the first time. It truly was strange and beautiful lol.
- When I passed My first guitar exam. Chris was getting updated by my mum how I was doing, then I went to party with David.
- When David and I went to our first live wrestling show, That is a fucking buzz. I swear to god its like a damn mosh pit but with seats lol.
- Random Birthday, holidays, brother and sisterly love moments. When I was actually showed love from my parents.
5 Things that turn you on (wtf????)
- Grind with me by Pretty Ricky
- Anything to do with my neck and behind my knee *laughs* I'm ticklish, but if you do it right I will be putty in your hands.
- Alcohol and my period lol I know that sounds sick but its true when I am drunk or on my period I get horny.
- Easiest one ... porn.
- Danger
4 Things you love (nothing this world sucks)
- My friends. The energy they give me is unbelivable, I'm like a vampire sometimes. Sucking them dry and that makes it able for me to entertain them for many hours on end
- Alex, I know its wrong for me too. But I do. I think I always will, he is the one guy who has stuck with me through my shit and when he was so faithful to me I let him go. He connected with me on a different level to any guy I have dated. To Him I am perfect, eventhough I am a train wreck.
- My mind and the way it works. It gives me the knowledge to argue anything when the time comes to it.. Yes I may be nervous and stammery at first but in the end it will be your ass walking away in shame. Debating worldly issues, Religion, theroy's, general ideas and so forth.
- Uni. Its the greatest place ever. Everyone is just so nice and kind and lectures and our sleeping in turn system works pefectly lol. Plus.... because I can't write five, I love my mum.
3 Things you want to do in the future
- A porn star lol
- My dream job... Ya'll know what that is, which kinda doesn't help the first one lol
- To least have a band on the side and get a rock mag *smiles* and in astoria. Then world domination hahahaha.
2 Things you regret
- Jack shit
- Jack shit... Live is there to be lived not to be regretted. Yeah we make many mistakes along the way. but god damn it only makes us stronger. I know I have improved from my mistakes. Yeah I can be a morbid fuck at times, but I could be botherd with what people think or say and its my life not yours. Mind your own business lol.
1 Thing you miss
- Too many things to be just one.
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