I don't know how to start this without sounding weird. But I am scared. A sudden fear has come over me tonight. Something that is telling me that what was given to me is a message is close.
I have a knowledge that I won't be here for much longer. That I may cease to exist. Today I feel weak.. worn down, not full of life anymore. Its like my body has started to give up on me. I have been getting terrible headaches for ages
and light now is hurting my eyes. Yes this all sounds very weird... very strange, very imaginary. But its true.
I guess I am writing this entry because I feel I wanted something to be said, just encase if anything does happen to me. god, the more I write this, the more strange it sounds.
*head in hands* just saying thank you to anyone who has graced my life, in one way or another.. I wanna thank you. whether you were a good impact or a bad one, I still love ya... Yes Martha this does include you. Because along the way, each of you taught me, made me stronger with everything I had to face.
Your courage or you negativity, pushed me to boundaries that made me step up my game as a person.
I've enjoyed everything, this world. And no this is not a suicide note lol.
I a way I always knew that someone was always controlling my destiny. That it was never in my own hands, that everything I faced. All the heartbreak, the tears, the rejection, the abuse was for a reason. A greater reason that I can ever imagine on even being graced with.
I have a really big decision I have to make, and for some reason I am so scared to make it, with all the odds stacked against me, I feel like giving up.
There is a big hourglass sitting next to my head, ticking down my time, I know I am ill and there is nothing I can do about it, than to become a Christian. My ignorance, my inability to follow ground rules which my mother has set me, refuse such a commitment.
I sit here with one single question... just bouncing around in my head "why me??"
"what do I have to play a significant part in all of this"
I'm scared... to you this may seem like total crap, to me .... to everyone who is involved. Life just took another scary turn.
ttyl x x
No comments:
Post a Comment