Christmas day...

Well it is christmas day and I am talking to the people online and just eating and listening to music. Me and my cousin D were trying to set the configurations for her new psp and just other stuff. I am a bit tired and stuff. Everyone is really happy. Talked to Sufia and Jay earlier and stuff. They both made me smile, it was good to hear and just listen to what was happening at home starngely I am missing my home. very strange feeling lol. But it only comes and goes most of the time I am fine with it, because my family is very funny and there is always something happening, but I do kinda just miss sufie, jay and char. Also miss my husband, oh sorry hun that I didn't invite you to the housewarming party , I promise as soonm as I get back I will certainly invite you to my house. lol! um got nothing much to say oh except I got a really nice pink (although D says it is magnenta) Jacket... and a few shirts and belts and stuff, which is just cool. anyways guys I am so gonna go and stuff okay see ya leter.... Oh and MERRY XMAS XXXXXXXXXX

Live from Brooklyn New york Baby...

Okay so I am here and I am kinda staring to like it here. Even though the weather is cold and there is a big strike over here in transport and its kind of hard to travel round but other than that for what i have seen so far this place rocks. My cousins are cool. I have met another black person like me (which is my cousin) she listens to rock as well. It was just so great we are so alike. I thought hey Brooklyn hiphop are us but apparently not. D is really cool. Karen is fun too. We had alot of fun shoppping today. The flight was okay... I watched films that I already have like the 40 year old virgin and fantastic four also I listen to bloc party's album and kelly clarkson and there was some buff geeky guy sitting two rows next to me and we started having a convo outside of the toilet and guess what...he gave me his phone number and msn... btw way his name is frankiln. But all his friends call him FK. He is such a sweetie.

Plus the guys are really going crazy for me over here. Over in the U.K some guys like me depending what there sort of girl is but I walk down the road I get hollered by everyone, and bloody hell when I open my mout and talk. I swear they undress me with my eyes there and then lol. Okay so its funny, people stop me ans ask me to say stuff its quite a fun experiance. Its freezing cold, I am tierd and I think after all the shopping I did today I need a serious rest just online talking to Ant. He makes me laugh and makes me miss home so much. So until next time I can get online I will seee you later but I will try to keep you updated with pictures and other stuff but right now AMERICA ROCKS....

This Time.....I gotta something planned...I saw you fall not once but twice

Hey everybody well what can I say except for sorry I haven’t been around. Haven’t had a lot of money recently due to me having to support my mother a lot more, cus of our flat. So I haven’t got extra money to go online and stuff. Plus I haven’t been college recently (don’t worry I aint dropping out) it because my dad has been stalking me or getting people to watch me when I come out of college so the police have instructed me to miss out on college for a little while. Yey its like college without actually taking the 2 hour journey to reach there.

I still study and stuff and follow the curriculum and stuff so I am still upto date with everything. Just bored today and I had nothing to do honestly. I can’t go work today because they noticed big movement around the house . Yeah so here I am, far away from the ghetto (in the coutryside as Sufia puts it) doing nothing.

Well good news though going America soon well practically on Tuesday. If I can write an another entry before I go been neglecting here recently. So need to make a new type of template for this thing and just other stuff you know. Possibly build up my blog visiters again they have gone down since I started college because I haven’t really been promoting (bad me) but I will try and put this blog back into top order just where it should be.hey I could probably think of the html while I on the plane for however long it will be and just write it up on paper and then maybe when I get there and when I get settled in try it out. But damn I hate remembering codes. I know most of them but it pisses me off.

Um my pick chain also broke so I had to put into another snake chain that I owned but it doesn’t look right so I might just buy dog tags and put on that. Plus when I come back I so have to put up shelves, which chris said he would help me with, but generally I think he is not so interested in putting up my shelves lol, but doing something else. (yeah I can see you lauging) Just kinda of going over all my cds and just playing them all. Before I go to America I must so buy the seventeen days album by 3 doors down. So it can be my holiday album, plus chapter by Staind, maybe white butterfly by INME but I already have half of the songs from that album on this laptop.

Been pissed of by a few things recently 1 that my freedom has been revoked from me because my bastard of a father wont let us just leave and never return. And just certain things that have been happening recently with friends has been driving me up the wall. Dwaine is actually starting to act as bad a my dad and I’m not talking about physical abuse. The mind games that he is playing is just wrong I already gave my advice to Kaz and basically it was along the lines of. I see what D is doing to you, he is picking you apart bit, by bit and kaz as your best friend I will stand by every descion you make concerning him but for fuck sake Kaz he is tearing you apart and treating you like shit. I know you care a lot more than you say you do but just think about it aright and we just sat there holding hands. Then Charlotte and Dwaine can’t stand to be in the same room together. Without a fight or argument, so I am just like uh I can’t be bothered with shit like that whether I hate the persons guts I would look em straight in the eyes and carry on about my business. So tell me why is such a fucking problem for them to do it…

Oh yeah I took a big step whether forward or backwards in my appearance you decide, but I just thought to hell with it I want extensions with red tinting and now I have them. Most people who have seen it so far like it and think I look well hot! Its not my words, words of others. Zen was down webcam drooling and chris was getting extra happy when he saw me in person. Scotty (husband) loved em too and was saying to me keep your hair like that and then my wife will look more hot than when she started I just had to laugh. Me, Scotty and mark were sitting at the bus stop in the early morning meaning about 3 ish. Scotty was hugging me and putting his arm around me and stuff. Mark was like oi oi no public displays of affection here. Lol! We just cracked up. He was so pissed and he wouldn’t admit it. so I'm gonna post up a few pictures.

-3-days later....

Okay hey guys can't be bothered to make another entry so I am just gonna add it to this.... I'm going to america tomoz and I am quite nervous for what reason I do not know. I guess meeting family that I have never met before is kinda big but ah well.
I am in so much of a rush today getting stuff packed... gotta go to awards evening in stsaviours tonight to get my alevel certificates. gotta wash my clothes it just gerally hectic ahhh then I have a two o'clock flight as well.... god I am really tired.... lol I said I was gonna post pictures of me in here but I will ahve to do it another time I will change different things and stuff but I will have to do that when I 'm over there or when I get back....love you guys... happy christmas and a happy new year mwahxxxxxxx

Did the building up of some walls make me as strong as I am!

Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away
Maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone-When I’m gone- 3 doors down

Hi guys I’m a bad, bad girl. I’ve hurt a really good man in the process of my life. I’m not even kidding I’m seriously being sorry. As we all know for the past few months I have not been dating, but have been rather friendly with Chris lol! I like being with him, everyone agrees I have become so much happier, slipped back into my old self again. I knew he had a great deal to do with that happening, honestly, he sat there for hours even though he didn’t need to on the phone to me talking about random problems we had or he had and we made it an everyday thing plus us having “conversations” while playing the ps2, so that’s what they were. But a few weeks ago he got beaten up a family member and five of his four brothers and we all can guess who this family member is. So I saw him battered and bruised and I know because of me that he is in this shape and in my head I thought I can’t do this anymore. I care for him so much; it hurt to see what they did to him. So went to his house last Friday to see you know how he was feeling cus apparently he is fine but he can’t laugh because it hurts, which made me think cracked rib, but he had it checked out and he was fine. So yeah I’m at his house and first sight of me, literally he opens the door and starts kissing my face off lol I didn’t even have a chance to say howdy.

So we were sitting there playing Underground most wanted (because Chris always has to get the new games out) and then out of the blue he paused the game, cus I thought it was because I was doing a good job of trying to keep up with him, also cheating and swerving him off the road lol. He stopped the game and looked up at me (because he was lying on my legs) and was like “I don’t want to be half way anymore I want you to be my girl” and I was like uh why. He was like saying because he loved me and I swear my eyes just saw the scar of when he got dragged on the floor and I kept on saying no, not even listening to him then he said “do you love me?” and because I wasn’t listening I said no. He went quiet and I realised what I said I try to dig myself out of it but kept on digging a deeper hole for myself and he wasn’t saying anything so I asked him did he want me to leave he nodded and I left. He called me later and was like I know why you said it now, not because you really don’t love me, but because you don’t want me to get hurt. He was saying that he would put his body on the line to be with me. He is 20 he can take care of himself. Stuff he was saying he was making it out like it could be done, but I told I love him but it going to stay the way it is now. He can go out and find another girl and I understand but it’s going to be halfway.

Oh I feel like a big meanie. Sufia was getting ready to jump down my throat as soon as I told her. I’ve been a bit mopey, I know he is probably laughing at me while reading this but it is true. I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU. I’M SORRY.

Nothing much really happened we moved char to Camden during the week. Um I reached the 1000 mark on DA a couple of weeks ago. Lol! And I actually got picked as a special read for poetry on unknown poets…. wicked. Plus I’m part of a new community of ninja on DA. Come check it out and join.

Um official world Aids day, maybe when I get paid I might give some money to the cause. I like giving to charities and helping and stuff…Plus the darkness have another album coming out *looks up to the sky* shoot me someone lol! I hate the darkness and not that their first album wasn’t enough lets just bring out another one. GAWD! *shakes head*
Right guys so I am taking off. See ya latersxxxxxxx