This can't happen again.

CORINNE AND CHRIS UPDATE, A VERY BIG UPDATE. COULD THE GOLDEN COUPLE BE BACK TOGETHER??? (I'm making this sound like a sitcom) READ AHEAD:

I see us inside of each other
I feel my unconscious merge with yours
and I hear a voice say. "what's his is hers"
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
and it feels so good falling into you
I was afraid to let you in here
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear
so close your eyes and let me kiss you
and while you sleep I will miss you

-falling into you Celine Dion

so yes today I decided to go and see chris after his 43 missed calls-yes 43. To ask what's wrong with him, and why does he keep on ringing my phone like he was going to die in the next 24 hours and desperately wanted to say goodbye. So entering Cheryl's house I felt uneasy to the fact that when chris came in to the hallway to see who rang for the door I wanted to bolt. In someway, I knew what was gonna happen between us. I knew he would wanna have some deep conversation about our relationship (well the lack of it) and just trying to judge me trying to know me again! Of course me knowing him so well he would try and bring up the question of 'will you go out with me again?' and me being me I'd probably laugh. So at first he was surprised but happy to see me as he led me up to his bedroom (don't think dirty now) well I know the way to his bedroom I've been there enough times (ooooh that sounds even worse. ... not like that....uhhhh just keep reading) but he thought taking my hand would be a lovely gesture, me I just felt a bit weird holding his hand like that again. so anyways we got up to his bedroom and I sat on his bed to find the only picture of us together on his desk in between some papers (I swear that is the only picture of us together and we are holding my cousin Jazmin, and I was dating him for three years I must admit I look quite buff in that picture but anyways) I was like "I haven't seen this picture in ages" he kind of did this half hearted smile and turns off his PS2, and then underneath that picture was another picture of me I never known was taken and this was at his engagement party. (yes, if you don't know the story of me and chris this will only confuse you more. I swear we were like the real life Buffy and angel with all the ups and downs and twists and turns. That was our relationship) I was in my black dress my mum brought me and I just remembered her saying "if he's gonna get married to someone else we are gonna make him feel it, make him have second thoughts" lets just say that dress clung in all the right places, plus it draped on the floor. Pure guys were checking me out in that party (although I was trying to ignore them) but the guy I wanted (at the time) was on the stage constantly looking at me and being congratulated by stupid fools who knew nothing about the situation I was facing.

So anyways the picture was of me sitting on the table with one leg over the other giving this fake smile to the camera. but I was wondering why the hell these pictures were on his desk (at first my dirty mind started with masturbation but come on I'm not nice) so I asked him what they were doing there. he was just doing the oh nothing I was just looking through some of my stuff, trying to figure out what stuff to throw away. and I was like okay insult, but hey this is what I wanted. (or was it). So he was like oh that pile I'm keeping and I was like phew (not much of insult anymore) so he sat on the bed next to me and at first our convo was very joke filled e.g. haven't you heard that the black version of dumb blondes are black redheads

I knew it, the convo I was planning to avoid had to come to the surface. It had come to haunt me but it had a different turn to it this time he decided to tell me what he knew. Meaning, he decided to tell me why I wont go out with him again I don't remember it word for word but here it goes. 'you are tying to punish me for what I had to do" ha what you had to oh that's fresh." I know you still love me, because joe says you keep on turning him down every time he mentions you considering to be his girlfriend, does that mean you've turned every guy down since me "he hit home so hard that I couldn't say anything back to him and all of a sudden my eyes had a sudden interest in his carpet. "you know it wasn't my fault about what happened, I had to accept" um no you didn't you only did it because it was considered as the smartest thing to do but you never ever took the easy road. 'I'm sorry coco what else do you want from me" to leave me alone. "sometimes I miss you........ the other girls that I've been out with can't come close and I know. I know you were angry by me constantly flaunting of them in your face, but it felt like you were doing the same (which I wasn't) and I know that and I'm trying to make it right" what was with the sudden over use of the words I know it was like a new word he learnt or something and the heart apology can anyone say he has been watching to much o.c. I just wanted to leave, I just wanted his confession to me to stop. Honestly I really didn't want to hear all this but, of course I love this guy and it was slightly weakening. Then I started arguing back and with a vengeance and he didn't like the things that was coming out of my mouth as I could tell by that annoyed teacher look he has. by the anger and annoyance I let something slip something i hadn't which was 'yeah I love you but chris you chose who you wanted and it wasn't me!" why the fuck did i have to say LOVE. WHICH I REALISED HE REGISTERED do you know how I realised? cus' HE POUNCED ON ME. This wasn't a hi your my ex girlfriend i just wanna kiss you to recapture the memories, it was I wanna fuck you now kind of thing where I ended up on my back and him on top of me (not having sex of course just lying there) and I was (I couldn't believe myself) kissing back. I realised how wrong this was, which kind of made me stop while he was really eager to carry on. (I swear it was like a warning bell going off loud in my ear saying stop, stop now deep end, deep end come up for oxygen......... breathe). I was like OMG...okay slide yourself from under him and get up and leave corinne..................LEAVE. It didn't happen that way cus he started asking all these question. The thing that came out of my mouth after the twenty questions was "I've got to go" he gave me one of the old hugs (this is gonna sound soppy) the ones that used to make me feel safe (like the one he gave to me in the police station when he got arrested for punching my dad and everyone in the police station was looking at us just standing there hugging as he was talking to me quietly) then this the comment of the day made by me this would have hurt any person who just went through that moment with his ex girlfriend "you do realise this didn't mean a thing yeah" well it wasn't in those exact words (cus' I can't properly remember what I said) but it had that feel to it. His face dropped even I wanted to go "ow that must have hurt "and he was like "yeah..................yeah I knew that, but we can always be friends no harm in that" and I kind of did this little jog down the stairs and he opened the door and I bolted out of there. I was so glad to see the street again, to breathe.

I swear I should put my life on film it would make great viewing. It has more twist and turns than sunset beach, and the relationships always have some fucked up with them.
So when i got home I thought about it cause I bought Celine Dion album falling into you the day before. (the song falling into you was one of me and chris' songs cus I realised he actually owned under all his hard-core rap collection and I put it on, this was before we ever kissed by the end of that day we had. Its the power of that song.) I think buying that cd for 4.99 was warning me something was gonna happen and I was not listening to it which is kind of funny. So anyways yeah we are not back together but hey something about this day has just changed me. I don't know how but I feel different like I love the boy yeah ADMIT I still have feelings for him, but now he falls under the category of ex boyfriend who is now my good friend (hopefully). woohooo.

unspoken suicide

I was looking through some of my computer files and I found this old song I wrote so I'll guess I can put it on here for old time sake. since this day is for looking back on the things that have happened toy ou in the past and a chance to look forward to the future so here it is:

You always wanted so much from me
what I couldn't give
and then you tell me
that I'm inferior
its your way of being manly
slipping away from you
wanting my own revenge
as I see how my life is gonna turn out
being your bitch for eternity

bridge
I wouldn't be able to take that forever
seeing me being your silent puppet
I know you could take it away from me
my life
but I'll take it just to get away from you

all the pain you caused me now
it all stays the same
I screamed out for forgivness to God
taking out my anger
as I slitted
and wrote my suicide note
telling you what I couldn't
speaking out the truth
my unspoken suicide
right infront of you

torment is what you're good at
you know nothing else
it like the devil inside of you
when your deadly hands strike
I hate your prentece world
where we are the best of friends
you show me off
as I sit in silence
contemplating
I'm giving up
I'm at the tip of world
about to fall off
I love you mother
Thank you for keeping me safe

Bridge

Chorus (screaming leads into guitar solo)

Guitar solo

Chorus

so woah unspoken, so unspoken now here's my suicide, time to die, time for you to cry

Sleeping with the dead (unfinished)

Of all the secrets they could keep
They kept this from me
and all my childhood memories
lay somewhere in Heathergreen
Never got to say goodbye to you
Never singing my Amazing Grace
They wont even let me know
Where they laid you
Afraid I might get attached to this place

I'm sleeping with the dead tonight
my only way to find peace
I'm sleeping with the dead tonight
such a bad parting you and me
Traumatic
not enduring
Nothing here left for me
I wanna lay down on the dirt in the dark
crying out my memories

uncles funeral/things that are happening

I can't believe this college wont let me go to my uncles funeral just because I'm a prefect I couldn't care less if I'm a damn prefect! my uncles wishes was that amazing grace would be SUNG AT HIS FUNERAL! either played or sung and I wanted to to be the one to sing now I can't even attend his funeral all I wanna do now is cry!!!!! I mean this school is so fucking unfair. just two seconds ago ash asked me to join his band I'm just afraid! as we all know I'm afraid of playing the guitar infront of other people, I told him I might think on it!lol! but anyways today I'm going shopping with kaz and sufia in camden so we will see how that goes!!!!!

Over you

okay so this was not by me although I wish it was cause my song writing style is a bit what the word....limited. So Ash (kazs Bro) let me put this on here! and I plus I think in someways I think it kinda goes with my whole relationship problems!

Ready to walk another chapter of my life,
Entering the best part, there's enough to realise,
You're clutching on to things
As though you know they've become strange,
Well, open up your eyes,
You'll see it's you that has changed.

So what about you?
Do you really think that I'm a fool?
Believe me, it's true,
I never thought it'd be so cool.
When real lives
Are set to break apart,
I'm out of tries,
When I'm done, I'll leave my mark.

Do you know what it feels like
To lose your everything?
You think that it's easy
To just buy what you wanna be,
You keep lookin' down on the other ones
From your golden futon throne,
Who just wanna' turn the tables,
'Cause it's you that's got it all.

So what about you?
Do you really think that I'm a fool?
Believe me, it's true,
I never thought it'd be so cool.
When real lives
Are now coming to an end,
I'm over you now,
On you, I no longer depend.

[Solo]

So what about you?
Do you still think that I'm a fool?
Believe me, it's true,
I never thought it'd be so cool.
When real lives
Set in stone with broken hearts,
It's time to grow up,
And you'll be the first to start.

So what about you?
Do you still think that I'm a fool?
Believe me, it's true,
I never thought it'd be so cool.
When real lives
Are now set to shatter through,
I'm out of tries,
I gained much more over you.

-By Asher AKA Hyper Shadow

I've done my drama exam at last!!!!

omg there is no feeling like this when you know that this massive huge strain has been weighing you down and you have been thinking about it night after night. It kinda keeps you up. For me it has been this drama exam. I dont know without my mum there it felt like old times when she was to busy to watch any of plays or anything I was in. I guess havign her around at guitar exams and plays felt a little off I am just so used to my friends being there for me cheering me on! I felt kinda complete. So I guess things are practically, turnignt he way they should be with otu my mum screaming out embarressing things like "thats my baby" "lets see anyone do it betterthan her" yes I have actually suffered mymother doing that and guess what I suffered that through my guitar exam and the last play for an exam I had to do "find me". So anyways abotut he play, we did have enough time to do two dress rehearsals we only did like one and sir made us do these excersies to help us with our beathing and voice projection and then we did the cutest thing ever we did a prayer and I guess it helped since the play was excellent and we were so proud of ourselves. I was only dissapointed at myself when I was on stage and I couldn't remeber my monologue,but I decided to chat random crap until I could! oh and yeah the corinne hunt support group this year only consisted of kaz and Asher who were practically cracking up for most it I could hear them. Kaz thought that our play had more meaning and gave a more impact on the audience and then I think yes!!!!!!!! manny was excellent , she was great expecially the hypnotism scene and when she was asking me questions and she said and " you were picking and picking and picking and pick, pick , picking" I was just so wanted to laugh,but of course I couldn't. I don't know normally the death music would make feel sad but some weird happiness came over me knowing that I was nearly finished that the play was over. Kaz said I was great and good, then on the other hand ash (the annoying little fuck number 2 lol just kidding!) said I was crap but hey whatever(and I knew he was joking, but still). I done it and probably dont ever have to think of it again!!! I'm free from drama performances until................summer yey!!!!!!!!!

tomoz I'm going to suffer

okay so yesterday dizzy decided that he would take me for a walk and ran so fast I tripped and fell and bruised my head, got a big lump on my knee and my hands are so sore I'm finding it hard to open doors or get up from the floor (which kaz realised yesterday as she had to help me). so anyways after that I withdrew £10 pounds and blasted it clean and on kfc, cinema and socks. so um tomoz I got my drama exam and I'm scared not to confident in how its turning out but I guess I have to do it!

My uncle died and they hid that he was sick from me!!!

I mean I have this uncle well he wasn't my uncle he was a friend of the family and he died today. I mean my family knew I was close to my uncle and knowone , not one fo those tossers could just say to me your uncle is dying corinne you should go and see him. They thoguht if they told me when he was dead it would be better on me! I've know this guy all my life and then suddenly he is just not there anymore it really does hurt I can't believe they actually did that! when I heard that they did that I threw my phone away from my ear. I was so angry and I was just crying my eyes out. Part of me was hurt and part of me was in grief I just didn't know how to feel! I was just so torn! he always said that if he died he wanted amazing grace sung or played at his funeral..... so i will do every effort for that to happen. I'll probably sing it, but I know I will start crying. I'm emotional like that!! and I have every right to be! imgine the things I could have said sitting by his bedside, so by not letting me see him this condition they said it would keep my good memories of him. what crap. I remember when I was younger it was my tenth birthday and I realised my uncle hadn't arrived yet so I went to go and look for him. Little did I know my parents were looking for me and when I was at his house for an hour and he was singing happy birthday to me and stuff and when I got back to my party my parents went mad and I said I was just at uncles house and smiled at them. I swear I had more fun at my uncles house than I had at my party! I'M GONNA MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!! *R.I.P UNCLE RALPH*

what a lying cheating little skank!

okay so I'm writing a diary entry full of venom but not enough of it to fill the page. I found out that my friends boyfriend has slept with his ex girlfriend and low and behold she still loves him (well she would cus she didn't know about this) but it just really bad how she thinks the world of him and still he does this to her! she has trust issue that I already know abotu but does he really have to go and prove her right I only know this info because his own bestfriend cant keep his mouth shut, but I jsut think this is wrong and I wanna tell I do but everyone is telling me that I shoudln't and its killing me. Also chantell told me and kaz to come along with her to go and see her boyfriend so many lies were told in those tqo hours I was surprised. e.g alex said he was in france to chantell and then said he hadn't gone yet. he also said that he was going to buy a house in janurary and thats the same time he said he was goign to go back to BRAZIL (yeah right like he actually comes from that country cus he has said so many others ) he asked chantell if she was a virgin although chantell said that she had slept with alex (in her dreams) and alex kissed me on my neck and rubbed my back. can I just express the feelings of my sick coming up through my throat and possibly on the pavement! I tried washing my neck it will never leave me it haunts me his lips pressed against my neck! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

hey guys .........chatroom!!!!

made a new chat room and really its nothing special! just somewhere to hang!


My Chat Room

my banner thingys

I was actually quite proud of myself for doing this I actually thought I did a great job! lol! although its a bit plain I thought hey why not make a banner!

History In our hands

History's silent litany of suffering may yet be heard in whispers, between the echoing footsteps in an empty museum. The voices of many a Laban, hans or Boris might still be heard in dusty exhibits of discerned, throguh suffocated between the pages of a closed history book.

To the hand reaching out, searching perhaps for some connection, we say

"Do not touch the exhibit!!!!!!!"

Objectivity? A studied Detachment? Is this the nature of historical truth? or we nearly protect ourselves from seeing in the past a reflection of our own Times? Its Time to close. Good night. sleep...........Well.