Okay yesterday I actually said some really cruel things about people and stuff in this blog, I know it offended some people and guaranteed to because of its content. like I said I say stuff cus I know I can hurt people, I happen to do it when I am annoyed and upset. Such as how I did with chantell a few days ago when she called me a cow and said I dress and look like a boy then I said back to her "excuse me you're more like to be mistaken for guy since your tits are like non existant" she started calling me all this stuff and I kept on calling her a transexual. I am so mean. I hate myself, I hate that I do this to people. I am a minipulative little cow. I know how to get to people and how they work!!!! (yeah right) But its true I always learn peoples personalities and the ones that I don't like I use it like a natural bitch and use their weaknesses against them. I disgust myself, that's why when people say I'm cute, I'm sweet and stuff I feel differently. I'm just a cold hearted bitch, a psychotic cold hearted bitch. I really don't know what has brought this on maybe its my inability to feel happy within myself recently. Great, I'm back to doing the Mallory statements again. fuck it. what can I say but I make people unhappy maybe I should stay away or disassociate myself from everyone, then maybe I won't feel like I am hurting them or manipulating them, just like my dad says I do. That guy has really screwed me up put all these words and sayings into my head that I can't erase. Like when he found out before when I was dating chris he called me a whore and a user and maybe I am only with him to feel safe within myself and maybe he was right. Maybe I am this horrible chick that always uses people or maybe I am a hoe just like he said. Shut up cordie you are no hoe you don't date around and you haven't kissed all the guys that you know. I feel that because he has embedded these things within me, that they are true. My mum keps on telling me not to listen not to take notice, but I can't help it I just do. okay guys that's enough of my bordeline pissed off and depressed talk. time to talk love
I think I may have a new quest on my hands but the point is I can't follow it through...why you all ask? cause it involves my baby sufie. As we all know Sufia (Nickname sufie) is muslim and can't persue any relationships because she will be arranged marriaged. Kinda like me, except for I am not gonna let my dad choose a husband for me
.it aint happening. Oh before you all are wondering, I am not muslim lol! its just culture. So anyway, yeah mark has admitted to having likings for sufia which I think is yippie. BUT come on we have been over this which guy in there right mind wouldn't be attracted to the chick she's skinny, beautiful,has one of the most gorgeous singing voices ever and can be just like one of the guys. In some ways sufie said she used to feel a bit like my apprentice but lord knows she has blossomed alot more better than I have. so anyways I wanna play flirt maker cus its not like I can actually play match maker can I? but they have the same interests and stuff. but what I have learnt is that just because you have the same interests, doesn't mean that you are great for eachother trust me I KNOW!!! gonna also collaborate with sufie on guitar and drums and its a song thats she made so yeah it shall be fun working with sufie is always a laugh minus when she gets all deadlinie on me. lol!
I am actually typing this in the dark because my room mate or martha number 2 wants to go to sleep so when I wanna go to sleep she is keeping me up until all times in the morning. but when she wants to go to sleep its lights off everyone. urgh god why do you torture me this way. I tried to get away from annoying people such as my father and instead of giving me some nice, considerate, sane and understanding person you gave me the black version to martha. Do wanna know what this chick is all about she sleeps around just like martha,
she has imaginary relationships just like martha. she got pregnant for her current boyfriend after knowing him for a month and a half. She was known as a hoe ..wait a second just like martha. Is paranoid. Keeps on having conversations to me about constantly herself and when I try to say anything its like she cuts me out even when I am trying to giver her advice in one ear out the other. She nick my clothes without warning. I come home to no food because her and her pregnant self have cleaned out all of the shelves. Sorry I didin't ask her to get pregnant at the age of 17 and stop doing her exams because of it so don't keep me up hours before I do my own. *screams* Okay I think I'm done screaming. Looking at the beginning of this entry I was feeling annoyed at myself, a bit depressed and slightly sad, but now I feel better. Alot better infact I am all smiles again.
Things I have to do tommorrow
go out to the post office with azera (oh yey joy)
go to drama at 11
maybe go to Kaz's (might decided against that. I'll explain below)
practise some chords and do some improvisation (need to practice)
cook dinner (that's if anything will be left in the cupboards lol)
finish reading my book and go to bed
(ooh aint my day interesting lol!)
I'm thinking about lessning the time I spend at Kaz's house because I realise that it is like I am freeloading the place she said it yesterday, but it felt like it was being directed at me. Cause I do freeload off her I am always there I try to come with my own money to buy food while I am there but she always happens to go through my bag takes my stuff and then doesn't know where she put it e.g. what happened with my pound. so I feel like I am becoming martha I am always there always getting on her nerves always in her face so maybe I should you know piss off and let her spend some time with Dwaine and stuff and just stay at home, which is actually something I am considering doing from next week. You know getting a little me time in as well, haven't been alone in a while it would be great and not having people analysing me constantly with what I do and when I do it and how to bahave around bestfriends, ex boyfriends, current boyfriend , family etc etc. so yeah from next week I am gonna be a very distant Cordie.
Okay so I am done for the night gonna get some sleep cus its like nearly three in the morning and I'm going to have to have alot of strength if I am dealing with you know who frst thing in the morning lol! see you guys LATER!!
10 minutes after I worte that: the bitch broke my chain I can't belive it, she broke my chain. she got into a fight with me and pulled it in two. I want to cry. Ash gave that to me and she broke it and nearly broke my laptop too. Thank god that punch around her face affected her lol! Kaz doesn't think I'm upset enough but if she saw me last night I was all crying and upset trying to fix it. I might as well still wear the pendant but in a different chain. I'm officially done.
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