This weekend was something that I strangely realised how messed up I am. Yeah, I already knew that my home life was fucked terribly but I never thought it actually effected who I was before, but when I look at it I am seriously messed up mentally laughs I also tried to drown my problems into glasses of alcohol, 14 glasses to be exact before throwing up most of it up in a green bucket, before I started crying and was comforted by Jasmine and Kaz outside about another problem that was bugging me. I even remember me drinking from Alan and Marc’s glasses so technically that was 15 glasses damn Am I turning into Kaz laughs *shakes head* NAH!!!!
Felt pretty ugly this weekend although I had Alan constantly staring at Charlotte and me. I know why he was staring at Charlotte like come on what man wouldn’t, plus she made out with him on Friday/Saturday but why me. It was proper Michael style staring as well. “Are you coming carina” Sorry I had to put that there just to amuse myself. We also dubbed Charlotte and Sufia the ball breakers of men. I mean if these two came onto any guy, these guys would be willing to screw anyone just to kiss then. Sufia can even get teachers under her spell, you should see her at work its great.
I also have been putting myself down a lot lately. That sucks. I used to be very happy within myself, but for some reason I think I never look good enough or this and that. Could it be I’m turning into a proper chic? I have been wearing skirts a lot more lately and no they are not specifically for Asher as Kaz keeps saying. I’m feeling a lot more better compared to last week though. Last week I was considering suicide ‘cus my life was just fucked and no one cared. I still feel kind of the same just less on the wanting to die factor. I hate when I make people depressed when they read my shit so from Now on I’m going to try and be more cheery just for you guys.
Um I got to go and have a bath ‘cus unfortunately I have to go to that God forbidden shit hole that I consider to be sixth-form tomoz. Tomoz I also have to practice for my drama practical, which is in one week and three days. I don’t even know my lines are or what we have done because my group is never present I should have expected this come on you know who is my group. Then I have my guitar exam in four days and counting and my song and my selected pieces sound shi. My guitar teacher said to me that maybe I shouldn’t take the exam ‘cus I don’t seem to be concentrating and I look “down” can people atop telling me I can’t do shit it is really becoming annoying. I also noticed that time dawns on me that my dad will be back soon I wanna’ run screaming from my home or burn my dad’s town hall records also citizenship papers and then he would have to stay in fucking St. Lucia and wont come back saying how many men want “his nice English daughters hand in marriage” I hate being an St. Lucian Indian it sucks.
Oh also I can’t wait until the 23rd of May… guess why? MY STUDY LEAVE STARTS *does a little dance* I can’t wait, no fucking crappy St. Saviours ever again…………BYE SSSO, HELLO LEWISHAM COLLEGE. New people, new teachers and new start. Just what I need. SSSO screwed me over so many times. I can’t wait for a new start and new friends should be good. Zen was complaining at me earlier because I weren’t going to uni. I then told him that I couldn’t go anyway ‘cus I didn’t get entered for Media. He might be coming up to London this week to come and see me Oh joy *coughsarcasmcough*. I went to see Chris in the hospital today too he is doing okay I was a bit worried when I heard what happened so he said I made him feel better, that‘s good. Least I’m good about making others feel great about themselves but I can do shit all about myself lol!!!! Anyways see ya laterxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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