Force of one paradox unity

*This poem chris wrote for me so long ago and I found it last week. I Laughed when he was saying to me he spent time writing it for me when we were younger and I had lost it and I found it again and he made me read it to him down the phone cause stupid him doesn't know anything saving stuff on his computer.(nah just kidding he is a computer wizz.)So basically he wants me to put it up here so he can look at it when ever he wants so there you go chris!

Force of one Paradox unity

I have sent you my invitation,
The note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of the living
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.


Show me the way you follow your deepest desires,
spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweetlips on my own, everyday.


Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without
abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.


Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.


Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . .Someday.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next . . .


I have heard enough warrior stroies of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?


And after we have shown each toher how we have set and kept the
clear, healthy boundries that help us live side by side with each other,
let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.


Take me to the placeson the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.


And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath myfeet
And the stars overhead make my heart whole again.


Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us
shout that soul's desires have too high a price
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.


Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember,
and I will show you how I struggle
not to change the world, but to love it.;


Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absoulute alonesss and undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.


And when the sound of all the declarations of our sinserest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the mext great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

Chris x

shake me, wake me, hurt me, break me. The difference is... you make me feel high.

Well for my past week, I haven't really been doing anything much with myself. I mean the most I have been doing since this week has been going out with Mark and sufia, Bieng a fairy all over the place and talking every night with chris (Gosh get back in england already lol) which is quite wrong because it cost $20 4 a phone card that can actually last out a 10 minutes convo and we speak about 3 to 5 hours so bloody hell how many phone cards does he buy *smiles*

So basically, I haven't really done anything productive. I mean, I have wrriten a few songs, done guitar riffs for them. Done a few pictures and stuf and a few blog entries that I couldn't be bothered to actually upload them. Oh I am so lazy. So um looks like I am going to be going to yorkshire afterall it seems since, I have objected to America until october. So it looks like I will down there for halloween and my cousin is already plainning her halloween party *shakes head* Anyways, I feel a bit annoyed about my moving placement to streatham. Yeah streatham. I'm not upset about it, it's just that I have been around so much fo the past year. I know in someways I brought it amongst myself but hey... to get away from my dad I would do it over and over and over again.

Um it's was D's birthday yesterday so um... Happy Bithday Dwaine. Also I'm seeing my brothers friends soon, well soon meaning tommorrow, because they want us to hang out like "old times" Um can anyone say that our old times were spent causing havoc on our block lol!so I hink its not so much of a good idea. But I am still gonna go anyway.

I think we may have found a perfect match for one of my friends, we must be careful about this one cause if we step in too early things might start to go terribly wrong.

anyways I gotta go and you know jump off a bridge or something lol see yaxxx

This time I'm in control...

well today has been quite the hectic day, well charlotte got a new place where she could move in with one of the women that she is volunteer with and basically the woman said that charlotte today that she couldn’t move in anymore because maybe one of her daughters had talked to her and told her to object it. Well by the time charlotte found out this information she already had bought paint and all sorts to decorate it and already enlisted our help.

So basically she was really pissed off and crying which I can understand ‘cus her parents still treat her like she is 3 and in her words dislike her ‘cus she doesn’t go to church lol. They just make her feel very unwelcome at her house and I feel sorry for char when she speaks about it ‘cus she looks so down about it I wanted to hug her. So basically me and Jay went over to charlottes and stuff and basically caught her in the process of drinking cider at 4 in the afternoon. Now any normal and sane person knows that char is not one to hold her liquor but hear what she had and no matter how we tried to stop her, more bottles came out from random places. So to only prove a point we let her drink but look how much she had. 2 coke bottles filled with cider plus a small Lambrini bottle and then a Smirnoff bottle and by the end of her little binge she was pretty um…fucked. She was so fucked that I had to take out her contacts from her eyes. lol! Yeah but basically, she was all upset and stuff.

Another thing that happened today I got caught in the middle of a Dwaine and Kaz argument, really not good. D snapped at me, everyone knows I hate when people snap at me and storm off especially if they have’t actually explained themselves properly, two things I can’t stand is when people shut me out and when they Snap at me. Basically this whole Alan being a perve, yes a perve , that’s the words I am going to use cause it is solely the truth. Its taking it toll on their relationship. I love them both I will support them in anyway possible. I wont get in the middle anything ‘cus basically I think people should be allowed to sort their problems out by themselves, plus I’m not gonna be that third person in the relationship. Never have and never will. But I want them to see that they are great together when they are not fighting.

Okay Azera right now happens to be farting in her sleep, which is just a bit sick, cus now there is this frowsy smell in the room. EWW.

Um somehow I have happened to have lost the guitar necklace that Asher gave to me .My primary plan was to put it in my purse and you know when ever I saw him again I would give it back to him. But somehow it has managed to um disappear from my purse so I guess I have lost it somewhere in London. So looks like its kinda not returning to its owner. In a way I feel kind of bad for losing it.

Um by the time I have uploaded this entry the song on my blog would have been changed to wild horses which I have been trying to do for weeks now. I love this song to death I mean while I am actually writing this entry I am listening to the song bloody hell Cordie stop with the extensive listening to the song.

what else, oh yeah Alan is still offering his bed to me and told me if I am ever thinking about losing my virginity that I should come to him. Oh that I should go to his house instead of going home. I mean no, just no, and one more time no. That’s all I gotta say.

I can’t believe it 06:02 in the morning and here I am still writing this entry with Azera snoring the night away and me actually feeling slightly hungry. but yeah see yasxxxxx

The morning sun dew brings the beginning and the last

Well today has been a wicked day, well not entirely but I have some great news and some funky bits of news that jar me. Okay so after my b-day, me and Sufia called up each other and thought maybe we should go out with each other and just hang about because yesterday was fun so we thought about playing a little pool. We invited charlotte, but then I found out she was going out with some of her work mates so there was no point of asking her.

Sufia calls Mark and asks him if he wants to join in and stuff. So after her having to call him about 3 to 4 times he finally picked up said yes, so we picked 6 as a time and we agreed. I knew that okay I needed to be there for six and I said okay I'll take a train. Now anyone who knows me good enough, knows I have a fear of trains, I have to try hide it because people will take the piss. But if you ever go in to a train station with me, notice how I always stand up near to an exit or near to wall, because of past experiences. Though I knew that was what I had to do to make it at 6, so I guess I swallowed my fears.

I get to the train station and I have a friend in the train station who gave me a free ticket because I lost my purse yesterday. So I got down to the train tunnel and of course it always happens to me there was police down there apparently there was a bomb scare on the train coming up and they had to evacuate the train station, so here was me in my scared state and of course not wanting to die, bolted up those stairs like Michael Vartan was at the top waiting with open arms.

I was standing there shaking and then Charlie came to come and give me my phone because Sufia has been trying to call me. So Charlie decides to take me all the way to elephant and castle but then I got stuck in traffic near Camberwell Nando's so after a while I finally reach Elephant and castle.

I go up to the bowling alley and there is mark and Sufia, waiting and mark just started clapping at me to take the piss and he asks me what the hell took me so long. I told them about the little bomb scare (which I have been watching on the news about and no bloody reports) and they were like Laughing about how I bolted out of there. I don't know. I have the slight tendency of telling my worst fears and stuff in the funniest or sarkiest way possible.

So we rack up and start playing pool, we made loads of joke and like always Sufia and Mark were flirting with each other, ah them to are like those annoying love stories you read about where the Asian chick disowns her family to be with a guy not from their culture. Lets just say me and Sufia got our asses whooped like it had never been whopped before lol. Then we decided a spot of air hockey. I won against Sufie once and lost to human chimney machine twice. God I hate him some time it's like he has perfected everything.

We leave and we walk Sufie home, well a block before her house and we watched her as she turned the corner but what caught our attention was that a bald headed grease machine or a black was looking at her down the road as though he was gonna follow her. The guy looked at mark and Mark shouted out just try it, now mark was getting riled up and then the man started walking off and took the next corner and headed off. So we thought that he was gonna try and head her off but as we were gonna follow him Sufia called and said that she was fine and was on her doorstep, so we didn't bother.

Me and Mark were also trying to decided whether we should go home or not, because it weren't really late. So we went to Kaz's house. I got there and guess what my wings had arrived and stuff , mine were big but Kaz's wings were really, really small for some odd reason I will check that out because on the web page it said that the wing size was the same as mine although mine aren't really that big. So we sit around and I talk to Sufia down the phone and Mark proposes to her down the phone as a joke and just saying really kinky shit like when Sufia said she was hardly wearing anything Dwaine and Mark both said take a picture on your phone and sent it to me and go on web cam lol!

So after listening to a few *Nsync tracks and just jumping round and having fun for a bit, we left and took our different direction home (yes I walked home wearing the wings, I don't care if it did or did not go with what I wearing it still looked all pretty) and I got inside my house. As soon as I get in my house I am being told that I am going to America for a few weeks to go and visit my uncles and stuff I was like um, why does my family always take my summer holiday from me. I mean I don't mind America, well minus their stupid and ignorant government , but I am going to L.A to see my uncle and stay there for a few weeks, it should be cool, so it means that Yorkshire this year maybe be out of the question *sobs* BUT AH WELL AMERICA *WOOTS*

Also I took some pictures of me. These are not what I looked like on my birthday, because my hair was up in chopsticks and I was wearing bigger earring but I just wanted to show you guys doing my fairy bit for society [Pic] [Pic] and also being a bad fairy contemplating to jack the wide screen TV in the lounge [pic] and another picture of me saying yeah this TV is mine lol [Pic] I was gonna take a picture with me carrying it, but they have chained it to the wall. Lol

Azera is saying that she and Anthony need to be together and that she has a crush on him. Keep in mind that Azera is 18, engaged and is pregnant. She kept on saying give me his number I know you have it, when really I don't.

So um yeah nothing really um striking happened today although I had a damn good time on the pool table. Now I have been dubbed Mrs. Slipup but I won't say why.

So anyway guys I love ya and gotta leave ya. Oh by the way I want to change my blog song to Wild horses but because of the viruses on Kaz's computer, it won't let me upload songs on to the net and it can't even find my memory stick. *shrugs* Okay so this time I am really saying goodbye see ya guysxxxx

Happy B-day to me!!!!

Well as everyone knows yesterday, 24th of July 2005, was my birthday and thank you to everyone who called me on that day and wished me happy birthday I felt special. I even got a call from America, from one of my friends on the stfbe message board Crazier_Cruzer ('aka' Darren); I was a bit surprised and shocked that I was worth calling all the way from America but thanks anyways.

Let me just say one thing maybe my original birthday idea would have rocked, but this one so did too. I had a wicked time, minus a few annoyances (which I will explain later) but yeah it was great. I had so much fun and so did everyone else money or no money it rocked. So what happened that started the day to think everything was gonna go wrong.

So basically my day started out with me waking up by getting a phone call from Chris, who is actually joining the lets make long distant phone calls (he was calling from St.Lucia) was singing Happy birthday over and over again, and asked me a few questions, to that I answered Yes (lets just say its what I want, and I aint gonna let anyone or no friends tell me that I shouldn't, cause I Bloody well am). I got random txt messages of Happy Birthday from people such as Zoey, Victoria, Vic, Sufia, Jamie, David, Malcolm, Aimee, Michael, Drake, Dean, Cal and Mekhi.

So Kaz calls me and says happy birthday and that I should change the channel to channel five and guess what was on "The news boys" Yes don't laugh, I know this is sounding incredibly sad right now but Christian Bale ( The guy from equilibrium) looks damn good in that film. So I was talking to her and she was already saying she didn't want to come and that we "intentionally" planned bowling so that she couldn't come. I wanted to do something on my birthday that hasn't been over done e.g. Pizza hut or just sitting around drinking, I wanted a change. So we thought hey bowling was a good idea, but of course Kaz didn't see it that way. So she says she would call me back and you know get an idea, of what she was doing and how she felt. So I got ready.

Unfortunately, my wings didn't come in time so I had to walk around wearing only My princess tiara and my fairy wand. I must admit I looked pretty cute. I never sing my self praise but I looked good. Then I thought hey maybe I should call Jasmine. Now for Jason (Karli's ex boyfriends information if he wants proof he can come and put his chip in my phone) When anyone put their chip in my phone, their numbers get stored on my phone. Now I was too lazy to delete them. So I have two Jays under my phone Jay home fine (as in Jasmine) and Jay home phone (as in Jason) so I never checked it and when I called I heard a man's voice pick up. I was like um this aint Jasmine and I realized that it was Jason and I said I called the wrong one. Little did I know that he would go after Kaz about I, if he had any sense he would have just called me up and asked how I had his number but no, he started shouting at Kaz.

So anyway, I get a cal from Kaz again upset and saying that she wasn't coming and she said that she would be bored and that she would be selfish and stuff and I basically said to her if she knows she is going to be bored then don't come its alright you don't have to come she could stay at home.

So by this time char had been waiting on the steps for ages and me and Azera arrived and there was Jasmine, Mark and charlotte waiting for us. Still no Sufia even though funny enough she lives about 5 minutes from elephant and castle lol! She arrived looking hot as ever and in a dress lol! Yes in a dress Sufia in a dress, she looked great as ever always.

So went in and started playing bowling, I put up names and ordered food.
we just started mucking about, and running around like headless chickens and just humping chairs (don't ask) and dancing along to spice girls, even ,mark Joined in after, even though I know he is gonna lie and say he didn't. and me putting blessings upon all with my (magic) wand lol! After a while, D and Scott turned up and they wished me happy birthday and stuff and just continued having fun with us. That's when I got a not that Kaz is coming, now to put this in a very bait way but I knew she was gonna complain and sit there and say that she is bored so in a way I didn't see any point of her coming, cus I know when she is mood it rubs off lol. I wanted her there but I didn't want to force her somewhere she didn't want to be.

So we sat around and played bowling and talking and just laughing about in general and Scott thought he would throw bowling balls down on the ground and would aim them at random things.
So after Sufia got two straight strikes (which is very unusual) and won. Damn her. Bowling is my game. *sobs*

So we start playing pool, then Karli and Chan and Anthony turned up. So already from the look on Kaz's face I was thinking oh great, something is gonna happen or someone is just gonna continue complaining. So Kaz said "even though she didn't want to be here she was here for me and happy birthday" Chan just sat there and looked at me like oh okay. She calls me over and then tells me that D thinks she is a thief and then says "Oh by the way happy birthday and all that" and then she sat in the corner being really, really depressing and giving steely glares to everyone.

My brother called me and asked about his food which I had in my bag and told me that I had to go practically all the way to camberwell (where he lives) to give him his food. So I take Jay and we go and see him, I give him his food (lazy git) but then he gave me a very sweet card that I thought the words we so adorable and sweet I was awwwing all the way down the road.

So we finished bowling and we still had time left, so we had to think of something to do and we had to think of something fast. So Sufia suggested Namco, I thought it was a great idea, I mean I still had money to kill I wanted to joke about some more where better to do it than Namco. Chantelle took off and left without saying bye by the way. We headed to Namco.

We looked at the bumper cars and just thought we must get on them. Sufia paid for me to go on. We just got on and the guy prolonged the ride because he found out it was my bday, which rocked. So there we were just bumping really hard into each other, where you could see char literally sliding around in the car.

Then Mark decided to join in chase us and stuff I was great fun. But I guess not for the people who was watching us whiz around with the most happiest (me being sarcastic) look on their faces.

Oh I haven't even mentioned Azera abuse on Anthony. She was claiming out loud that Anthony was her baby father and saying that he wasn't taking care of her. Then she started touching him. Anthony wanted to run a mile and I would agree with him to do so. I was just laughing at one comment that she made, but it will come in later.

So me and Sufia run around and just joke on different stuff and decided yeah it's about time we left and maybe we have food. D gave me the Maccy D's token thing. With a little bit of money I managed to get everybody at least something which was good.

We were standing outside of Namco at night time looking over the river Thames and the millennium wheel. Eating and then Scott (Mr. Crazy daredevil guy. Actually that sounds like something on one of the bus) decided that he would climb over the bridge and hang off into the river Thames. I was about to have a heart attack. lol!
so while I am quietly eating and stuff them lot decided to spring on me and start singing happy birthday, where I kind of looked away and kept looking at the river like they weren't singing to me and after they finished I kind of turned around and bowed and said thank you in true Cordie style.

So we were on the way Home, well the guys are were going home me and Azera got off with Jay and went to her house and watched a bit of incredibles and I went to sleep in Jays bed and was woken up at 7 and basically told in the kindness way possible to piss of lol.

So Overall my birthday was good I enjoyed myself, no matter what or who was acting moany or was trying to specifically state that they were not enjoying themselves but I just tried to block it out and ignoring and by listening to others and then just simply telling me to have a good time. my b-day turned out to rock, seriously. All the people I cared about and that are in my life 24/7 was around me except for one person and he is St.lucia. It would have been complete if he was here lol.

So I'm gone for now I'm just gonna go and try and you know do something with my matured (yeah right this was the person this morning who was prancing down the road singing bob the builder) 18 self. see ya later guysxxxxx…..

Happy birthday blog.

Happy Birthday Blog
Yep today is the first day I wrote my first entry. Yes a year I have been writing in this thing, and a year I have been either entertaining, making people laugh and being annoyed at my random comments. But yeah it's the birthday of my blog. So here I am amongst friends and counting down the hours until my bday. Yey. This sunday I will be 18.

So new developments in my life, Um kind or not understanding my feelings and stuff towards past people in my life. Yeah they have been calling me everynight and I feel all giddy and happy (not a good sign) so yeah he's coming back soon and I can't wait to see him again. It will make me very happy, that's if they don't try to marry him off to some random chick in st.lucia.

Um so right now, Kaz has just made a naughty hat, yes I will take pictures and put them in my next entry lol. and everytime some one is bad the naughty hat goes on. Alan is wearing it more than anyone because he keeps on coming on to me, char and Kaz and making really dirty comments and stuff lol. So the hat has been dubbed the naughty hat of shame , which is basically mobile phone box, with writing, which Kaz beautifully labelled "The naughty hat of shame ecspecially for naughty children" lol! So she has actually taken a picture of anthony with his Tracksuit bottoms down , wearing his boxers with "The naughty hat of shame on" and really sad look on his face. lol.

So we are not going to the InMe gig Because Alan (smart ass) didn't go and get the tickets in time so we are seeing if they save tickets for people who buy online an stuff. But we are going on holiday, for £9.50. Yes £9.50 each. From the sun newspaper. Yep Sadness but we are still going to either dorset or the south of france *jumps around*

A bit annoyed 'cus my wings haven't arrived from ebay and I want them to get here so I can wear them for my bday *cries* I want to wear wings, I wanna fly. (shut up cordie) I swear I'm meant to be growing in age not receiding lol.

Vic is going home today, which is not good cus he made me laugh loads. But I get to see him in about 4 more weeks when I might go down to yorkshire. *woots* Also found out I will have to go to a seaside trip as well with my mums church which at first I thought "Oh good lord no" But when I heard blessed was coming, I didn't mind so much. Haven't seen him since I was young I grew up with him while my mum and his mum worked in the same hairdressers so yeah its like seeing an old friend, should be great to see how the both has matured lol!

what else, what else... um I'm getting a new sony digital camera for my bday, cool means more cool shots and stuff, haven't been out aking pictures in a while the last time I did that I stole the camera from school lol! *wags finger* bad you cordie!!!!!

I shoudl be getting my new guitar in about three weeks, god how mnay guitars have I been through lol! God something always happens to them, more poor neglected guitars that corinne has touched lol!

I've been really smiley for the past couple of weeks, its strange like I am remembering how the muscles feel like to work around my mouth, it's a strange feeling, but I love it. I love to feel like everything is alright *smiles*

So yeah happy birthday blog and happy day to all!!!!

How can you win, when you aint right within

Okay so when I will upload this it means I will have 7 days until my 18th birthday, I swear I have never counted down a b-day like this before, is this how sad my life has become…. Nah I think its because everyone has had that feeling of turning 18 for some they can't even remember it (charlotte) cus they were pissed out of their heads, for others they were sick through it (Sufia) and me well I dunno, I just want it be better than my other birthdays of constant fights breaking out and just trying to make me feel as bad as possible about myself. lol. Yeah so I think I might just have a get together you know, just get everyone together and just celebrate it and stuff, nothing big. Maybe just maybe vic and my new addition of friends cal, dale, Maz, Shandy and alex. Can you know join in too you know just to meet my friends and stuff.

Just tired right now and just trying to complete a few blends by using gimp *shakes head* and listening to no music arrrrggggghhhh *rushes to put some on* what was the purpose of this entry… I can't even remember I know I just felt like writing an entry, and still trying to forget my embarrassment of me dancing in the middle of Temple bar as a dare.

Okay this is something I must mention, if you hear about a 18 year pregnant girl being murdered and her body was found in the river thames it wasn't me I swear. Yes by that comment you can guess that Azera is pissing me off to that fact that she does nothing, I mean entirely nothing she lies down all day, leaves the room in a mess, doesn't wash the dishes she uses, eats all the food that me and my mum buy for ourselves why she goes and spends her money on mc donalds and then doesn't have money and starts jacking from us. It has come to the point now that I don't even put left over food in the fridge anymore. I know, bad and I can become sick if I keep on doing that but she is drinking every coke bottle, every Robinsons bottle, she even polishing off water in the bottles. I'm sorry I don't care if she is pregnant she gets money just like the rest of us can't she buy decent food like the rest of us. Then she listens to my phone conversations, uses my laptop and tells other housemates that the laptop is hers. Jacks my clothes without asking, reads my emails and stuff I have printed out, just so I can remember and laugh about. She follows me everywhere, gets really annoying and jealous whenever I say oh I am going to my friends house. She will moan " why are you going to your friends house and blah blah blah " then this question will come up "can I come?" my answer "um no I thought you said you didn't like my friends" "I do"
"yeah well you still aint coming!" lol. I know I'm a bitch and now she wants me to follow her to her ante natal classes. I hate really clingy people. I know when I get insecure I have the tendancy to go into a clingy one, actually I wouldn't even call it call clingy I just need to feel better so I will go and stay somewhere where I feel happy and won't want to leave lol. But with her it is like 24/7 she was even asking me the other day why am I so close with my mum. I just looked at with this dirty look. Its like those really jealous boyfriends that ask you why are you so close to your friends and stuff. Oh she also has the cheek to say that my mum can't cook and saying that to everyone else who lives here and then sat there eating away at the food today and not complaining about jack. I just thought shit I hate this bitch. I just hope they move her by this week.

I just turned on smithy my piggy that walks and oinks and stuff, to cure my current boredom…see if I had internet access I wouldn't be having this problem. I could entertain myself in so many ways. but no I am sitting here watching a pink fluffy pig oink past and listening to sing by travis. Okay I'm gonna stop writing this entry because lord knows I am depressing myself *smiles*

Oh it looks like us going away aint gonna happen unless god gives all of sudden money that drops out of the sky because we are all kinda one by one quitting our jobs or leaving them for the summer. So please lord I know you are watching while I am typing this ….Please drop money from the sky lol!

Oh by the way I Heard some African guy using the word dude in a really hard African accent. I was in fits of laughter and that' s where a new Cordie quote has emerged. "An African using the word dude… what is the word coming to???" A new one seems to made up every week that I don't think they will be able to fit on a t-shirt. Plus I have got a new nickname on top of the untold others : Cornflakes. Yeah just don't ask how that one came about.

Plus I forgot to mention…I found my baby. Meaning, I've found my mini disc. For people who talk to me everyday, will know I found this like three weeks ago. But I never mentioned it. I hugged it so tightly and started screaming my ass off. Yey. One problem, because I thought I would never see it ever again I threw away all the software for it and my leads that go into the laptop, my rechargeable battery and charger and well basically, its kind not useable to me to record stuff on *sighs and looks around all sad*

So I have got a feeling I won't be doing another entry until my b-day or the day its my blog b-day so yeah I am just gonna state what I am doing.

x-x Plans x-x

x Trying to sort out holiday and costs, although hope seems very small
x Give something back to certain people (k11 9f 12 a l13 7 9 e1, 8 3 f9 6 a8 c6) lol!
x Go to St. saviours and claim my gcse results so I can apply to lewisham cus my dad threw away the certificates *cries*
x hangout with Vic and them lot on Tuesday and Thursday
x Turn my claddagh outwards although it is already out put it on right hand (actually I'll do that one now)
x finish off 4 blends and 1 wallpaper for aggie (favorite customer)
x Plus another 2 wallpapers for \/\Rain/\/_/\/\princess/\/
x One for Vic cus he is a bastard and likes to push me to do stuff for him even though he knows how to do them his bloody self *cracks up*
x Plus a new banner for Zen not that I am talking to him, I promised I would.
x Talk to social workers
x possibly playing on an open mic night. If I do I will definitely make an entry
x Go and see my dad (not willingly)
x possibly upload something onto DA lol!
x Think about what I am doing for my birthday
x Changing the music on my blog (hey I love the song but lord knows but I aint feeling it on here) might change it to Wild horses.
x Finish off Tims blog (finally)
x accept new blog requests
x finish off my website….
x so much more that I can' even mentioned or be bothered to write.


So guys I'll see ya later xxx

Saturday in the sun getting wet all over

So early morning I am being woken up by mum who is telling me that I am have to get up and get ready to help them go and fix my aunts kitchen. I mean, No one wants to bellowed out of bed to fix a kitchen and peel of wallpaper so early unless, your friends are involved (which they weren't)and if they were getting paid, and I had neither. So I get up to be dragged out, while moaning of course and taken to my aunts, so I get there and work my butt for about 6 hours straight ro then finally get some rest and colapse in her livingroom. as soon as I colapse on the sofa my phone starts ringing and its non other than Vic who reached in London on Thursday. So he asked me if I was free and I said I wasn't and he said right that's it I and coming to free you where are you? I was like at my aunts. I told him where my aunts were. About half an hour later he was there with his two mates dale and mekhi. So they came in and Vic went straight for my mum totally ignoring my aunt (yeah know rudeness lol) and just asked can we borrow Corinne for the rest of the day, and for once they actually didn't start complaining.

So we went round Dales house I met more of his and vics mates. There was one really cool girl there calinda (cal for short) her guitarplaying skills rock. Vic forced me to play and they were all rating me, which was good. lol! So we all sat out in the garden and then from no where Dale gets a bucket of water and dashes it over my head and Vic did the same to Cal. So me wearing a white shirt was showing off more than she was supposed too. Not that Dale minded, as he kept on stating over and over again. lol. So me cal said we were goping to the toilet and the bathroom window is right above where we were sitting so while they were all sitting there saying why can't girls go the toilets by themselves we were filling up buckets of water to chuck out the window. Then we chucked it and that's what kicked off a massive water fight where I was drenched, I mean, from head to toe bra, underwear everything. Luckily my phone wasn't in my pocket or I would have been messed up.

I already promised char that I would go to her house for a barbecue, so I said my goodbyes and me and them guys promised to meet up on Thursday to celebrate my b-day because Vic would be going back on friday. So That shall be fun.

So I go home while covering up my main assets on the bus (damn me for wearing a white shirt, how come this always happens to me)and change for the barbecue and packed clothes for our "GIRLIE NIGHT OUT". We thought we needed some fun.
So I enjoy sausages and burgers and the black people food as charlotte calls it ...chicken lol! we watched an epi of buffy. Then got ready to go.

we went to the temple bar I was dared to go in the middle of the dancefloor,where it was deserted and to start dancing. I din't mind, well because its solely a dare. Kaz was a bit surprised by the way I was dancing because she never seen me do that before. There also this chick there who was just giving me the evil eye...why? because she was there attempting to dance and I was pulling off dancing with um...ease lol. Trust me she thought she was hot walking everywhere with her hand on her hip and I just wanted to kick her in her seat and tell her to stop dancing. Plus we had the most happiest couple sitting next to us lol! Yeah right. Men randomly staring at us (great pervs). So we spend a few hours in ther joking about and then eventually went and sat in camberwell green park. once again as char would put it "oh funness" so we sat on all the climbing stuff and talked listened to music, it was great. So we thought that maybe we should just go home, although Kaz and char were well on their way pissed and all sorts lol.

So overall its been a good day, minus a few arguments towards the end and stuff that I had to sort out but of course I didn't mind, its my friends.

So yeah my day was um very full I'm a bit tired and I think I should go to sleep since it is 8:50 and everyone is sleeping around me. Oh yeah its also nearly my blogs birthday too. On the 22nd of July 2004 I made my first post and here I am still posting and writing about my dry and dusty life. lol. Okay so I'm done, I'm out.

My words are those of my own

You know my day has really peaceful I haven't had the stress of having to worry about relationships or none of that shit, because its all done. Yep I am not with Asher no more, yes sufie jasmine and all the others are doing their little dances as I type. They are ordering me to go back to you know who. I'm not up for more relationship crap, I am cool just being free for the mean while while everything settles down and stuff maybe I might consider it. So I got a whole summer ahead of me, which I've got so much to do. I gotta work, I meeting friends from out of London, recording some tracks that I have written, looking forward to my b-day. Now I have more material to write on. Break ups always give you more fuel, have you ever gotten that.

So philip is slowly learning about "Donna's" past and stuff! it was funny we got mark to be her ex boyfriend. It was great he was getting all scared because mark said that...he came from peckham and stuff and caused all this trouble in sacred heart which he did but yeah just over doing it.

I also found out that Jay was having a convo with ash under my name. I mean, I don't mind because I know she has her own issues with him. But its true I'm kinda happy that there is no one being in the middle and constantly in our relationship 'cus now we don't have one lol! although I do have a problem with one line "if she feels differently that's her problem not mine" I mean what kind of rude and twisted shit is that, I mean that I know we agreed to be friends but come on you are just asking me to retaliate to that one Ash. Personally I think I felt most of things before you even realised there was problems so therefore I have no problem with what is going on. So "if she feels differently that's her problem not mine" is just actually being a way of being rude and just somewhat... childish. I am actually smiling to myself, a slight weight, actually alot of weight has been lifted. She basically was just asking him about stuff and him liking to be sarcastic and rude gave his little answers and comments but I guess its alright, people ganging up on others aint nice and must be very annoying lol.

Oooh a few more days until Vic comes down and he can't wait we always joke around together, plus he just wants cordie and vikky to you know go and petrol bomb houses. lol kidding nah we are just gonna be little mad people. Going with him down Kentish town and some of his old friends and I are going sheisha. fun fun fun. Plus this and the possiblity of going to a club and play a song on open mic night they said they needed a guitaurist and they picked me so yey, trying to get my confidence up, you never know people who have doubted me in my past could be left in my dust. lol!

I'm a whole lot more smiley today,I guess cus things are finally fitting into place. I mean college, new people. Plus I am going down to yorkshire,which I don't mind cus by the time Vic and drake shall be up there. Plus Chris comes back in 2 weeks and I have to thank him for my present... a locket with my name in music notes. shannon and frankie are asking me to feature on a track with them which is so cool. Me and Sufie are writing a whole new bunch of songs together. I'm getting a new guitar. Might be going away with the guys, going to an Inme gig come october, plus maybe I will have some me time now and sort myself out, you know bring me myself back to a state where I am proud of me.

so yeah Guys I'll see ya laterxx

To Love me you have to Hate me First

I'm a bit depressed today, well already my day didn't start that well me being told that they are postponing my dad's court case 'cus apparently they haven't got enough to go on. So that could have the possibility that I will have to stay in this Shelter place for longer, which is not something I want to do, trust me I will kill myself if I have to stay with Azera until Christmas I swear… fuck life I will be hanging from the light bulb swinging the fuck around with a note in my mouth, saying "fuck this shit I'm outtie!"

Then I got this lovely mood swing that went with it. I Got a call from Vic which made me smile a bit and was just confirming that now on Thursday and Sunday and the rest of next week that we can hang out and I can go to his old house just to be stupid and stuff, which is giving me something to actually to look forward to in this week. Oi Vic "sheep-a-do, me and you" "Lauren's hanging from her non existent balls" lol! Those two will never get old.

So then I get a call from Kaz saying that Asher wishes to talk to me, now everyone who has been reading this blog knows that Asher and I are having problems. Now people who know me, know that I am an evil mean and sarcastic bitch and if my feelings for someone is turning borderline dislike I go drastic and crazy, putting up a guard so I don't get hurt. So Ash basically outlined our problems in his teacher voice (don't think I'm taking the piss I'm not, that's just how you sound) But it made me realize a few things… that another person is near enough to give up on me, how much males have affected me, and that everything is always my fault, that I am the one to blame. I mean I know everything is probably thinking oh God she's going into her depressive moods again, I'm not I mean I want to make people happy, but really everything is really my fault I mean I am the reason that my own twin aint alive today, its my fault my dad treated me the way he did, I caused most of the rifts in my rents relationship…just everything I think I may have touched or have been closed to its my fault that it went bad. Plus a quote of me saying " he never writes songs for me" which I don't even remembering saying to jasmine cus I only told her how I felt properly on Friday while we were on the swings so I don't understand how that is there. I felt bad about that even though I can't remember writing that, because he wrote a song in soul purpose to say here I hope you like it, in other words maybe this will shut her up (once again don't take offence). but I'm not like that I'm not into forcing people to write stuff that they don't exactly feel or feel like they need to write to solve a problem.

So me being in this mind set and not being to get my words out in frustration puts my head in my hoody and ash thinks I'm crying so he gets me tissue sweet gesture but I wasn't crying lol! I'm normally strong in situations like this, trust me I can be argumentative, I like to be right lol! but I went weak, like a little kid 'cus all these things started going through my head that I couldn't say, that I couldn't explain what I felt. So in the end of it all things were sorted out. We started talking again. I left to go Kaz's. Oh yeah and Kaz decides to send my most embarrassing picture… my year 7 picture to Asher and he puts on it "can I get a weave on". Bitches. Lol I mean I love you guys!! lol! *sits there silently cackling to herself* There will be payback. So I went to Kaz's like told and Mark didn't come around so no fantastic four. So Me and Kaz just started acting as strange as possible like always and stuff. So I Said Please, please just for fun and to take the piss talk to Philip under Kaz's name and pretend that I was "Donna" A girl that Dwaine pretended to be down the phone lol! So I started talking to him and just being all nice, then I added ash into the convo, Then I started making Philip jealous and stuff and it was just funny ah I can't wait to be Donna again. I might actually put that convo up here cus it just cracked me up!

So when I thought hey a funny ending to the day, then I got home and who was having hissy fit, Yep non other than Azera where I took all my frustrations out on her. I just started screaming the fuck out of her until she actually started having braxton hicks, which are mild and fake contractions, which is telling her, her baby is under stress and she shutted up. But once again it was my fault that, that started happening to her… you see what I am telling you …these hands, this mouth, this body is cursed.

If only my words could make the surface of my mouth if only.

Well apparently my thoughts on pizza hut were wrong and inexcusable lol! Apparently we eat all the nachos, yeaaaaaaaahh, right lol! So um why do you think people on our side of the table were getting pissed off? But ah well I write a blog and get shafted for it. Point of a blog, like a journal to write about things that happen to you so you can remember favorite moments and for the public, hint i.e. you guys can sit down, shut up and hear my opinion for once. lol!

Well today was a slow but painful day I mean it was great with the whole I like to sleep thing but I took the piss today. I was tired I just slept and slept until about 3.
Then got up, washed and got dressed. Plus my mum had a test today for her diploma in Ict. She thought done well. I hope she did she was so nervous I had to give the whole you are going to be okay speech, you know the one that makes me feel at ease every time I go in to a drama or a guitar exam. She made me laugh today though, she also got into an argument with Azera, which now Azera is in a very bad mood...does this face look like it cares…No! That's because it doesn't. So we mucked around and took some photos there is actually a pic where she looks high. Just look at the skin tone difference between me and my mum it is actually shocking that is why some parts of my body such as my arms are two tones. Maybe my body couldn't mix the colors so it split me down the middle. That's why I wear my hoody's to cover up the abnormality of my arms being two different skin tones but my face just being one. Also took a new poser pic in my kitchen (don't ask it's where my laptop is at the mo) lol! [Pic 1] [Pic2] [Pic3] Twazzer_-_23 thought my baby pictures were sweet, which I just think um...no! I mean what is cute about me constantly wearing sailor dresses and me looking dazed half the time a picture was taken lol. I haven't even uploaded them all on to photobucket if I had I think everyone will be pissing themselves laughing over certain pictures. One picture that aint seein the light of day is the one that Kaz calls baby Cordie with a microphone head. lol! Trust me, it aint a pretty picture.

Um Sufie came round to Kaz's today which is always fun. Me and mark, because all asian people in London are now being targeted by people and raped, eggs thrown so we thought it was best if we took her one block before her house. I also told Sufie something that mark said (of course with his permission) and she awwwwed. Oh man I only wished they could be happy together. But yeah like I know they can't so I'm just yeah...being quiet now.

Sorry I had to mention this, have you noticed that you never see a black person at a white person's funeral and if they are there they either looking at the time and wanting to go home, or is the one who killed the fucker. Even when they are at their own people's funeral they are there overacting crying their eyes out and shit and the will ask so um how did you know this person and they will reply I don't know him I just think it's so sad... so when does the wake start. *SHAKES HEAD*

Also went shopping around for a guitar actually my aunt was reading me a catalogue filled with instruments and accessories and was reading it all out to me. I heard and liked the sound of having a white strat that had a black fret board 3 pick ups 2 humbuckers and a tremolo. I thought I should stop with my sunburst obsession and just change it all up a bit. Plus she wants to get me another black acoustic guitar. I know I think she may feel sorry for me because of my situation and plus its my b-day soon. So I think she is just trying to make me take my mind of things and she thought well I might as well use my rich and loaded self to help her.

Vic_da_sheep also known Victor, who totally rocks and is better at guitar than I am, is coming down to London from Yorkshire in 5 days and counting. I've known him for a very long time 'cus I have been going up to Yorkshire for ages and staying at his house, while I was there seeing my Aunt. He is coming down to see his sister, hang out with me and go home. He is a bit upset that I can't show him where I am staying now, But I said when I move house he can come and see my bedroom anytime he wants *Nudge, nudge, Wink, Wink* lol Only joking!!!!!! Mwah!

So cordie, what else, what else I can't think of anything else. Um I really can't I think Its because I'm sleep deprived, so guys I'm going to eat and then catch some zzzzz's see you laterxxx

Beaming smiles for everyone

- "its been great guys and everything but I'm gonna go and watch paint dry" - Jasmine
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Well for the whole weekend I have been hanging out with the guys and on Saturday I had to let go of all my little cousins
Cheryl aunty Sarah, Chris and Selena. Chris left me a message on my tagger; I was actually surprised he still had the address to this
thing. It was good to see him again and say goodbye, because they are all going to St. Lucia for 3 weeks and can be extended because of certain
issues that my family are having. This is another thing to mention why the fuck is my family telling me about great guys I can marry
I think I am just sick of guys in general they fuck you about mentally and you only realize until you fret over every little thing
which is very unlike me I have been doing lately.

So you want me to describe my weekend hmmm I could be here for ever where do I even start.

Well on Friday, yes the day after Kaz's birthday she was still celebrating her b-day. So um we decided that we would all go to pizza hut
I don't mind pizza hut but what happened there was what that pissed me off. Okay so Kaz, myself, Dwaine, mark, Alan, char, ash, Anthony and jasmine.
Were acting like five again in pizza hut meaning they were arguing over he pizza while me and char sat there and just
engaged in convo. No here is where the piss taking starts. We all paid our fair amount to eat at pizza hut so I think stuff should
be shared out equally, but no. The chicken came and the other side of the table were just devouring it like no tomorrow
Plus then they gave our side of the table the scraps of the nachos and it just got worse after that, when Char started to feel sick
so she ran off to the bathroom. I got worried and followed her down, knowing that since I had been sitting there I only had half of my pizza
and put one other slice one of the other pizzas. I go to check on char and she is vomiting her guts out. I stayed there with her until she felt
better. Then we went back upstairs, guess what all the pizza was gone. I mean how does the full works disappear so fast
I mean that was two large pizzas and a medium and not just ordered once but twice. And all was gone. I even realized the slice that I put on my plate was
gone too. I was like okay no they aren't taking the piss now. I mean I was in the toilets trying to help out charlotte, who
Everybody was obviously not worried about because they couldn't dare to part themselves from the precious pizza. I didn't say anything
I just kept my mouth shut like I usually do, 'cus normally when I do everyone gets into a hump. So I just shutted up when everyone
was saying oh I feel full, when I was paying for me and jay and I still felt hungry. [Shakes head]

Moving on from sounding a bit like Philip but it needed to be said that was just piss taking. So then after mark giving us
A mooney and Alan still doing his hardest to come onto me by stroking me hugging and generally holding me and chatting
Dirty. Kaz says she wants to go into a pub we go past the temple bar and then we thought no, went past monaghans and Kaz
Thought it was too black in there. Then we were talking about the park in a conversation and it was arisen that we were going to the park.
So we travel to the park where I used to spend most of years of St.saviours with the gang, seeing it again brought back memories.
So bottles of white was bought and I just wanted to drink, I don't know, jasmine knows I only do that when I am trying to compress
something and not make it rise to the surface and the only way I can control it or forget about it for a while, is to drink very hard.
I can't even remember why I was doing it but le me tell you. I wasn't a pretty sight. I was downing alcohol. Fucking payback for
Pizza hut if I didn't eat then guys aren't drinking. Simple as. So I'm lying over the bench on top of the hill in my tired but tipsy state.
Still there was Alan still stroking my leg and staring at me. I hate when people do that, I understand that you like me, but can
you not stare, it's creepy and frankly it sends a girl right off. Plus, may I mention, Alan has a girlfriend. Right.
Actually guys having girlfriends still fall for others, I have learnt. *snigger* I weren't taking a stab at anyone there... No
Not at all.

So there I am getting pissed out of my head and bad jokes were being told
some weird shit was happening like Mark, Anthony, Alan, Asher and Dwaine basically
were having these weird fascinations over the roundabout. Where they just kept on spinning it a fast as they could and starting jumping on it.
After I was cussed mercilessly by all of them or was it just I can't remember, ash gave me a hug. Do you know I'm going to blatantly state this what in the gods name is going
On between us??? 'cus once again I am in confused Ville. I seem to be in there a lot with this relationship. cus we hardly speak to each other
minus those weird cutoff convos on msn. and when we are in the same room lol and considered the fact that when I'm not talking to you
We hardly speak, can anyone say we are heading for splits ville and it couldn't come on faster for people that I know (once again not naming people)

Played on the swings a bit danced around, went to knock on some woman's door to use the toilet she saw charlotte and was like okay... but then she saw me
And she was frightened I swear she couldn't close that door any faster. *cracks up* so after all the fun in the park we headed home, well back to Kaz's
but we hand to wait on really cold steps where I swear my nipples must have become like ice. Okay ya'll didn't need to know that, Soz.

So we get to Kaz and having lost Jasmine and Ash 'cus they both went home. Trust me my eyes saw that bed and it just went for it.
I laid there and didn't want to wake up for ages. Next day I wake up and I see and Alan and Dwaine making a Karli sandwich lying on each side of her
I was just thinking in my head oh that's funny. So anyway I wake up to find charlotte was gone (she went Margate) and to find Anthony in her place behind me.
Everyone started waking up and Tanya rang Kaz to say that she was coming down with Cory. (Awww Cory is so cute) but anyway, that she was coming to give
Kaz her present. Kaz got excited and started cleaning. I know Kaz cleaning not likely to be used in the same sentence.

So Tanya comes round and then I thought if I left I could come back before she went so we all could go to the
Pub after she left. So I went home to Azera who was once again lonely and clinging on to me like a latch. Girl can never make up her mind.
It's just appalling.
Left to go mainly go to my aunts house since everyone was there who was going to St. Lucia and I told them goodbye and stuff. Plus,
I got a lecture of "Corinne when are you going to find a nice St.lucian guy to marry there are so many down there" hear the words of "marry"
please. I aint getting married and if I am it isn't going to be anytime soon. I mean commitment sucks. It really does. Lol.
so they're there just yattering on about all the guys and last time and the marriage proposals that they received last time for
me married. I mean I feel kind of like an auction "going once, going twice, and going three times ...sold to that lovely st.lucian guy there
with the dusty toes". Then they started saying oh maybe we can get Corinne to come down a month after us. I was trying to be as nice as possible, no was just a no
but this one was like a hell no. I don't even want to think about who will be waiting for me this time at the airport, claiming that
I am their wife to be. I said to goodbye to everyone and Chris gave me an early birthday card. It was a sweet but funny. Also got a present which, I need to go
around to his mum's house to collect.

So I travel back to Kaz's house to find charlotte already drinking, no surprise there. So Tanya was gone but news was that Martha had come round just before I came there
but went to Shaun's first saying that she was all afraid and stuff to come and pick up her clothes when last time Kaz said to her in the presence of Michael
come round and pick up your clothes at any time. But no for that special sympathy vote Martha went round to Shaun's (Dwaine's brother)
and asked could he come with her to pick up her clothes because she was afraid to go and pick them up herself.
So she comes anyway by herself and because Tanya thought she took the piss she said to her when she arrived "sorry the social worker told Karli to throw away your clothes"
Martha said okay and look like she wanted to come in and Tanya said "bye then" walked in and closed the door. lol! That must have been great and I missed it.
I start hanging around, I swear we were meant to go and do something but like I thought we might we stayed in the house and did um nothing. So I just continued playing sonic
and samurai Jack games on the computer, while some of my contacts were asking if I could do blends for them. I swear people
keep on adding me on msn, just to ask can you make me a wallpaper. Not that I mind because it's something I am good at. But I isn't got Photoshop available to me, and gimp 2
just isn't cutting it for me.

So yeah that was basically my weekend of drunken behavior [slaps hand] marriage proposals, Martha stomping and grown people on a roundabout lol.

So I'm gone guys see yaxx

She dances in the rain

Um well I've been writing alot of songs and making up guitar riffs to them and writing them down in proper notes and stuff to keep myself busy over this boring period of me wondering what the fuck I am gonna get for my A-levels. This one song I wrote I just wanted to post, it was meant to be about myself (I know vain) in thrid person. But it didn't turn out like that so lets just say it started off as something and end up as something else but I am still proud of it. So I might as well put it here:

All things...
Such as pain...
Loss, agonized...
By a cold fire...
That dwindles into wayward smoke...

All Things fade away...
When she dances in the rain.

It washes away the blood...
Touched by course steel...
(The Scars remain)
But are forgotten...
For a moment as she plunges into
This beautiful haze...

Other may wish for brighter days...
But she dances in the rain.

They look for rainbows...
When the sun breaks the clouds...
Leaves trails of fiery scars...
They wish for clear nights...
Full of stars...
But she takes pleasure In the grey...

She would not, for anything, wish it away...
Such a lovely thing as dancing in the rain.

Beads left on roses...
Shining on window screens like diamonds...
Puddles evaded by children...
The scent of a world starting over...
She can sleep to the music...
She can forget her troubles...

For her life washes away...
As she dances in the rain...

Her Mind fades not
into the space of time
neither does her mind
wish to be purified of her thoughts
for she is what she is
that not one can change

She speaks her mind
and gains her voice
while she dances in the rain.

Its in my hair, its everywhere

It's all in my hair, its everywhere.

I saw your teardrops
and I heard you crying
You have everything
but you are still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way
Let me show you a better day
hold out your fears
and cast them on me
I just want you to see
I'll be you cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
and when all hope is gone out of here
no matter how far you are or near
it makes no difference who you are
I am your angel - I am you angel - By Celine Dion and R. Kelly


Yesterday, as we all know (cus I must have announced it so many fucking times that I cannot count it) was Kaz's birthday.
She got loads of stuff and was very childish as per usual, 18 in age but 5 in mentality. That was the words of Jo in her
card and they are so true lol. Ah she is gonna kill me for the comment. Oh well I'm use to her slapping me constantly and
when she gets drunk, her strength is even stronger and of course her spit becomes a lot frequent as well lol.

So Kaz turned up to her mum's house in jeans and a hoody and I knew that wouldn't go down good and didn't I tell her before
we left the house that if she wears that her mum is gonna gun her for sure. Did Kaz listen… No (actually does she ever
listen to me … No!) So as soon as she got in front of her mum she was not happy. So we had the task of trying to find Kaz
clothes to wear and her complaining and crying that she didn't look nice when she looked better than me. Actually she always
looks better than me whether she is making an effort or not.

So we finally get her in green poncho now we had to get her to stay in black trousers. and that was a task and a half.
So after much crying and winging from Kaz in the toilet she finally emerged looking pretty good in NORMAL clothes.
Actually I don't always wear normal clothes…wait normal….cordie I don't understand this word you speak of.

I still kinda wasn't talking to Asher and like I did tell him before hand I wasn't going to be socialble, he tried
to grab my phone off me when I was sitting on the sofa because I was on msn messenger through my phone (that's only because
I really wasn't in the mood to talk to him to his face and sheer boredom) and he was chatting to me. Its funny how
he only bothers to
talk to me first on msn when I'm right next door. well anyway, getting back to the story at hand. I was not playing
I was gonna hit him really hard. My voice went all serious and he let go. Ha.

So we went to eat and I was comfortable sitting where I was, I didn't mind being opposite Kaz's mum and next to Kaz,
but no… Jo wanted to move from sitting infront of Asher so once again I was sitting in front of him. I swear I was talking
to everyone on the table except for him. I had a nice Americana pizza, which I kind of cleaned the plate ( all I need are
the ears and I can be considered as a pig I have been eating way to much lately). So there is taking of pictures going on.
I must look ugly in all of them, because I am just generally ugly.

So we go next door to Ivory Arch to a reggae revival, can anyone say how empty it was and to my embarrassment
(well not really because its countries music), only because of my mother, I knew every song. [shakes head].
So Kaz's mum was dancing, she looked good doing it too, she actually looked like my mum when she is dancing,
but normally my mum would pull me up and make me start dancing with her and then, it will be sickening afterwards
'cus then people (mainly men) start crowding us and start trying to dirty dancing with us, because apparently she
looks like my sister [coughbullshitcough]

I can't remember if by then I was under the influence of alcohol (um JD and coke) but I was all happy and stuff
and in a very forgiving mood and I told asher I was sorry [slaps hand] I know, I have nothing to be sorry for,
which Sufia gladly pointed out to me today. I just had to laugh. I was only slightly tipsy, but I said something
along the lines of "sorry I'm not talking to you, that was an apology try and accept it" or something like that
anyway and he hugged me. Now this morning I wake up and think what the fuck did I do. Some part of me thinks maybe
this would things easier, if I try to civil. Some people ( I wont say who… cus then Kaz will want to kill them)
think I should just leave ash and go back to Chris 'cus apparently I was happier. Uh I dunno. I all confused I just
wish I knew what the hell was going on with that boy and maybe I would be so angry, but no he has to figure this out
by himself. God men get on my nerves in general, maybe I should become a lesbian, I know jay would be happy with me over
that decision. lol.

So After many trips to the toilet with Kaz we decided that it was time to go, and of course I was used as the excuse to
leave like usual. So we started leaving and my 176 bus started coming, d pointed it out the fact the bus stop was all the
way down the road and asked "can you get it" I looked at the bus stop and started legging it. I caught it as well, the bus
stop was far okay not that not, but with how close that bus was to me I didn't think I was gonna catch it. lol! I nearly
fell asleep on the bus. It was really bad I woke up and luckily I was a stop before mine.

So overall the day was okay, minus a few little kinks in the day, well big kinks, with the terrorist attacks around London,
where there was bombings going on. In different stations and buses being blown up. People were so afraid to travel and
stuff. I was a bit I must admit to the fact that my bus comes from central London, which was a danger zone but my
condolences to the families that lost loved ones yesterday. O7/07 will now always be remembered.

Okay I'm gonna have a new countdown clock thingy, why you ask… to countdown my b-day I have been somewhat waiting to turn
18 but I can't wait, I really can't, even if I aint doing anything for it, I wanna feel be as old as I act lol! well
sometimes I don't but you get my point. Because of the issues of my household it drove to me to grow up faster than I was
supposed to. So people always say to me when they first meet me I act older than I am, but look younger than I am too.
Confusing, [shrugs] its people's opinion not mine.


So I think I'm done for today I'm gonna put two songs at this entry both to do with different people.
They will probably guess who they are but they just so remind me of these people. Plus, one of these
people sang the second one to me down the phone I had to laugh.

Its impossible
To love you
if you don't let me know what you're feeling
its impossible
for me to give you what you need
if you always
hide it from me
I don't wanna hurt you
I just wanna make it right
boy I'm sick and tired
of trying to read your mind
its impossible
oh baby its impossible for me to love you
this way
it's impossible
Oh its impossible
if your making it this way
impossible to make it easy
if you always try to make it so damn hard
How can I? how can I?
give you all my love baby
if you always putting up your own guard
this is not a circus
don't you play me for a clown
how can emotions keep on going up and down
oh baby its impossible
this way
oh its impossible
if you keep treating me this way
Oh baby its impossible if you're making it this way
-Christina Aguilera - Impossible


Baby you're not the only one
I see the things he does to you
all the pain that he puts you through
and I see what's really going on
staying out at ngiht while you're by the phone
take it from me
it's a lesson to be learnt
even the good guys get burnt
take it from me
see I will give you love
the kind of love that you only dreamed of
Baby you're not the only one
you don't have to be afraid to fall in love
I know you have hurt in the past
but if you want it here's my heart
no strings attached
he doesn't give you
the kind of attention
that a girl like you needs
he always looks around
he has fun around
he doesn't see you like I see yeah
Bridge
Chorus
if you take a chance with me
I'll be everything you need
because its our destiny oh
Chorus
-*Nysnc - No strings attached

My Tears are dropping in his shadow

Its breaking with the sunset
who will comfort me tonight
(when I cry)
who will mend this heart of mine
(when it bleeds)
If only these wounds could heal in a day
If only, If only in a day
(I'm stamping out sunsets, while ur smashing hearts)

- LYRICS from the chorus of mine and Zen's smashing sunset hearts

well I found out something that actually made me want to cry I mean I had my suspicions but hey like usual I thought they were just all in my mind. But I read something that actually, put me right. I dont know I kind froze I didn't know what to do on one hand I was angry and another part of me just wanted to know why, who and what was going on. I felt unloved before this topped it. I hate it when I can be read like an open book. I hate it. I hate how I let people walk all over me and take advantage, I mean I wish I was stronger,but I am so weak and so many people have made me this way. Now I am about to have someone else do the same thing again.

On a lighter and less depressing note (actually I'm lying), they are arresting my dad for court tomoz, and I am as scared as hell, to actually see him in that position for the people who the extent that my dad has effected me. You will know that to testify against him is going to be the toughest thing I have had to do. But I know I have to do it, to let him get what is coming to him.

Oh me and Sufie got matching belts and may I say we look cool in them, its custonmised shit so of course it looks great here is mine [Link] it just my bling now and goes great with black *laughs* um what else

Oh its Kazzie's birthday tomoz and I might have to go to have food with her , d and her mum and *in a down voice* Ash. Some part of me doesn't want to go for obvious reasons. but ah well I gotta wish her happy birthday in a public manner for tommorrow so Happy birthday Kaz My b-day is not too far away July the 24th baby and I will be eighteen. I can't wait this is gonna rock. I have to great birthday starting a new chapter of adulthood. The omnths coming up to it have been hard, but I'll make it with or without help or love that I thought I had. (stop taking stabs at certain people cordie it aint good.)

anyways I think I'm done, I'm off to Kaz's now and for some reason I need to go pee ( ya'll didn't need to know that okay I'm off see ya.

I saw him crying and it broke my heart

Boobies! says:
kex seems to attract mothers, they're all like "I can sense it....must interfere!"
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
I know
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
really annoying
Boobies! says:
leaping across town, smashing through buildings
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
to stop sexually activity
Boobies! says:
"Mum....ah...i didn't hear you come in" "really? i smashed a wall in the process!"
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
lol!
Boobies! says:
*cough*kexual*cough*
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
lol
Boobies! says:
i'm keeping that one
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
I smell sex in the air
Boobies! says:
so do i mwhahaha
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
that was great must copy and paste that on my blog
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
of course all rights belong to you
Kex Kitty! says:
of course *patents

- sorry had to put that in there that was a convo between me and fran this was the best bit that made me laugh.

Cinderella says:
i know
Cinderella says:
last night alan as norm was checkin out my legs gettin on my nerves i said go for chantel uv got more of a chance
Cinderella says:
and kaz tells me of
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
lol cracks up
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
oh no
Cinderella says:
like its true though i dont mean it like im so hot he cant have me hes just gross
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
I know but that was great
Cinderella says:
he siad he goes for looks and im like look at u how can u exspect to get some hot chick when u look like that
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
ah shame
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
*cracks up * oh no
¦ ~Anarchy’s Angel~¦* Speaking to the atmosphere* its impossible to love if you don't let me know what you're feeling* says:
char that was cold

- Convo with charlotte great stuff


So today I had to, feature word had to visit my dad with my social worker she left us alone for a little while. But when I first came through the door he grabbed me and hugged me and started crying. Yes you heard it, the man that has plagued my life for so man years started crying and kissing me on my cheek and saying he missed me.

The man cleaned up my room and made it look all nice and just threw out wardrobes and said if you wanna come back and live with me, I straightend the room out for you. for a split second I felt horrible for leaving. but then all the things I remember all the things he put me through came flooding back and I wanted to cry I swear, I must have pushed him off me, because he had some surprised look on his face.

Then he said that uncle edwards kids called him on fathers day and I didn't and he started cryhing down the phone to them and how I was intentionally making him suffer. You damn right I am. I hate him but I still feel attached to im cus he is my father. Stupid man.

So I went there feeling good and came out feeling bad and where am I sitting infront of a comp at the net cafe. so I think that's all see ya