To Love me you have to Hate me First

I'm a bit depressed today, well already my day didn't start that well me being told that they are postponing my dad's court case 'cus apparently they haven't got enough to go on. So that could have the possibility that I will have to stay in this Shelter place for longer, which is not something I want to do, trust me I will kill myself if I have to stay with Azera until Christmas I swear… fuck life I will be hanging from the light bulb swinging the fuck around with a note in my mouth, saying "fuck this shit I'm outtie!"

Then I got this lovely mood swing that went with it. I Got a call from Vic which made me smile a bit and was just confirming that now on Thursday and Sunday and the rest of next week that we can hang out and I can go to his old house just to be stupid and stuff, which is giving me something to actually to look forward to in this week. Oi Vic "sheep-a-do, me and you" "Lauren's hanging from her non existent balls" lol! Those two will never get old.

So then I get a call from Kaz saying that Asher wishes to talk to me, now everyone who has been reading this blog knows that Asher and I are having problems. Now people who know me, know that I am an evil mean and sarcastic bitch and if my feelings for someone is turning borderline dislike I go drastic and crazy, putting up a guard so I don't get hurt. So Ash basically outlined our problems in his teacher voice (don't think I'm taking the piss I'm not, that's just how you sound) But it made me realize a few things… that another person is near enough to give up on me, how much males have affected me, and that everything is always my fault, that I am the one to blame. I mean I know everything is probably thinking oh God she's going into her depressive moods again, I'm not I mean I want to make people happy, but really everything is really my fault I mean I am the reason that my own twin aint alive today, its my fault my dad treated me the way he did, I caused most of the rifts in my rents relationship…just everything I think I may have touched or have been closed to its my fault that it went bad. Plus a quote of me saying " he never writes songs for me" which I don't even remembering saying to jasmine cus I only told her how I felt properly on Friday while we were on the swings so I don't understand how that is there. I felt bad about that even though I can't remember writing that, because he wrote a song in soul purpose to say here I hope you like it, in other words maybe this will shut her up (once again don't take offence). but I'm not like that I'm not into forcing people to write stuff that they don't exactly feel or feel like they need to write to solve a problem.

So me being in this mind set and not being to get my words out in frustration puts my head in my hoody and ash thinks I'm crying so he gets me tissue sweet gesture but I wasn't crying lol! I'm normally strong in situations like this, trust me I can be argumentative, I like to be right lol! but I went weak, like a little kid 'cus all these things started going through my head that I couldn't say, that I couldn't explain what I felt. So in the end of it all things were sorted out. We started talking again. I left to go Kaz's. Oh yeah and Kaz decides to send my most embarrassing picture… my year 7 picture to Asher and he puts on it "can I get a weave on". Bitches. Lol I mean I love you guys!! lol! *sits there silently cackling to herself* There will be payback. So I went to Kaz's like told and Mark didn't come around so no fantastic four. So Me and Kaz just started acting as strange as possible like always and stuff. So I Said Please, please just for fun and to take the piss talk to Philip under Kaz's name and pretend that I was "Donna" A girl that Dwaine pretended to be down the phone lol! So I started talking to him and just being all nice, then I added ash into the convo, Then I started making Philip jealous and stuff and it was just funny ah I can't wait to be Donna again. I might actually put that convo up here cus it just cracked me up!

So when I thought hey a funny ending to the day, then I got home and who was having hissy fit, Yep non other than Azera where I took all my frustrations out on her. I just started screaming the fuck out of her until she actually started having braxton hicks, which are mild and fake contractions, which is telling her, her baby is under stress and she shutted up. But once again it was my fault that, that started happening to her… you see what I am telling you …these hands, this mouth, this body is cursed.