This can't happen again.

CORINNE AND CHRIS UPDATE, A VERY BIG UPDATE. COULD THE GOLDEN COUPLE BE BACK TOGETHER??? (I'm making this sound like a sitcom) READ AHEAD:

I see us inside of each other
I feel my unconscious merge with yours
and I hear a voice say. "what's his is hers"
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
and it feels so good falling into you
I was afraid to let you in here
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear
so close your eyes and let me kiss you
and while you sleep I will miss you

-falling into you Celine Dion

so yes today I decided to go and see chris after his 43 missed calls-yes 43. To ask what's wrong with him, and why does he keep on ringing my phone like he was going to die in the next 24 hours and desperately wanted to say goodbye. So entering Cheryl's house I felt uneasy to the fact that when chris came in to the hallway to see who rang for the door I wanted to bolt. In someway, I knew what was gonna happen between us. I knew he would wanna have some deep conversation about our relationship (well the lack of it) and just trying to judge me trying to know me again! Of course me knowing him so well he would try and bring up the question of 'will you go out with me again?' and me being me I'd probably laugh. So at first he was surprised but happy to see me as he led me up to his bedroom (don't think dirty now) well I know the way to his bedroom I've been there enough times (ooooh that sounds even worse. ... not like that....uhhhh just keep reading) but he thought taking my hand would be a lovely gesture, me I just felt a bit weird holding his hand like that again. so anyways we got up to his bedroom and I sat on his bed to find the only picture of us together on his desk in between some papers (I swear that is the only picture of us together and we are holding my cousin Jazmin, and I was dating him for three years I must admit I look quite buff in that picture but anyways) I was like "I haven't seen this picture in ages" he kind of did this half hearted smile and turns off his PS2, and then underneath that picture was another picture of me I never known was taken and this was at his engagement party. (yes, if you don't know the story of me and chris this will only confuse you more. I swear we were like the real life Buffy and angel with all the ups and downs and twists and turns. That was our relationship) I was in my black dress my mum brought me and I just remembered her saying "if he's gonna get married to someone else we are gonna make him feel it, make him have second thoughts" lets just say that dress clung in all the right places, plus it draped on the floor. Pure guys were checking me out in that party (although I was trying to ignore them) but the guy I wanted (at the time) was on the stage constantly looking at me and being congratulated by stupid fools who knew nothing about the situation I was facing.

So anyways the picture was of me sitting on the table with one leg over the other giving this fake smile to the camera. but I was wondering why the hell these pictures were on his desk (at first my dirty mind started with masturbation but come on I'm not nice) so I asked him what they were doing there. he was just doing the oh nothing I was just looking through some of my stuff, trying to figure out what stuff to throw away. and I was like okay insult, but hey this is what I wanted. (or was it). So he was like oh that pile I'm keeping and I was like phew (not much of insult anymore) so he sat on the bed next to me and at first our convo was very joke filled e.g. haven't you heard that the black version of dumb blondes are black redheads

I knew it, the convo I was planning to avoid had to come to the surface. It had come to haunt me but it had a different turn to it this time he decided to tell me what he knew. Meaning, he decided to tell me why I wont go out with him again I don't remember it word for word but here it goes. 'you are tying to punish me for what I had to do" ha what you had to oh that's fresh." I know you still love me, because joe says you keep on turning him down every time he mentions you considering to be his girlfriend, does that mean you've turned every guy down since me "he hit home so hard that I couldn't say anything back to him and all of a sudden my eyes had a sudden interest in his carpet. "you know it wasn't my fault about what happened, I had to accept" um no you didn't you only did it because it was considered as the smartest thing to do but you never ever took the easy road. 'I'm sorry coco what else do you want from me" to leave me alone. "sometimes I miss you........ the other girls that I've been out with can't come close and I know. I know you were angry by me constantly flaunting of them in your face, but it felt like you were doing the same (which I wasn't) and I know that and I'm trying to make it right" what was with the sudden over use of the words I know it was like a new word he learnt or something and the heart apology can anyone say he has been watching to much o.c. I just wanted to leave, I just wanted his confession to me to stop. Honestly I really didn't want to hear all this but, of course I love this guy and it was slightly weakening. Then I started arguing back and with a vengeance and he didn't like the things that was coming out of my mouth as I could tell by that annoyed teacher look he has. by the anger and annoyance I let something slip something i hadn't which was 'yeah I love you but chris you chose who you wanted and it wasn't me!" why the fuck did i have to say LOVE. WHICH I REALISED HE REGISTERED do you know how I realised? cus' HE POUNCED ON ME. This wasn't a hi your my ex girlfriend i just wanna kiss you to recapture the memories, it was I wanna fuck you now kind of thing where I ended up on my back and him on top of me (not having sex of course just lying there) and I was (I couldn't believe myself) kissing back. I realised how wrong this was, which kind of made me stop while he was really eager to carry on. (I swear it was like a warning bell going off loud in my ear saying stop, stop now deep end, deep end come up for oxygen......... breathe). I was like OMG...okay slide yourself from under him and get up and leave corinne..................LEAVE. It didn't happen that way cus he started asking all these question. The thing that came out of my mouth after the twenty questions was "I've got to go" he gave me one of the old hugs (this is gonna sound soppy) the ones that used to make me feel safe (like the one he gave to me in the police station when he got arrested for punching my dad and everyone in the police station was looking at us just standing there hugging as he was talking to me quietly) then this the comment of the day made by me this would have hurt any person who just went through that moment with his ex girlfriend "you do realise this didn't mean a thing yeah" well it wasn't in those exact words (cus' I can't properly remember what I said) but it had that feel to it. His face dropped even I wanted to go "ow that must have hurt "and he was like "yeah..................yeah I knew that, but we can always be friends no harm in that" and I kind of did this little jog down the stairs and he opened the door and I bolted out of there. I was so glad to see the street again, to breathe.

I swear I should put my life on film it would make great viewing. It has more twist and turns than sunset beach, and the relationships always have some fucked up with them.
So when i got home I thought about it cause I bought Celine Dion album falling into you the day before. (the song falling into you was one of me and chris' songs cus I realised he actually owned under all his hard-core rap collection and I put it on, this was before we ever kissed by the end of that day we had. Its the power of that song.) I think buying that cd for 4.99 was warning me something was gonna happen and I was not listening to it which is kind of funny. So anyways yeah we are not back together but hey something about this day has just changed me. I don't know how but I feel different like I love the boy yeah ADMIT I still have feelings for him, but now he falls under the category of ex boyfriend who is now my good friend (hopefully). woohooo.

unspoken suicide

I was looking through some of my computer files and I found this old song I wrote so I'll guess I can put it on here for old time sake. since this day is for looking back on the things that have happened toy ou in the past and a chance to look forward to the future so here it is:

You always wanted so much from me
what I couldn't give
and then you tell me
that I'm inferior
its your way of being manly
slipping away from you
wanting my own revenge
as I see how my life is gonna turn out
being your bitch for eternity

bridge
I wouldn't be able to take that forever
seeing me being your silent puppet
I know you could take it away from me
my life
but I'll take it just to get away from you

all the pain you caused me now
it all stays the same
I screamed out for forgivness to God
taking out my anger
as I slitted
and wrote my suicide note
telling you what I couldn't
speaking out the truth
my unspoken suicide
right infront of you

torment is what you're good at
you know nothing else
it like the devil inside of you
when your deadly hands strike
I hate your prentece world
where we are the best of friends
you show me off
as I sit in silence
contemplating
I'm giving up
I'm at the tip of world
about to fall off
I love you mother
Thank you for keeping me safe

Bridge

Chorus (screaming leads into guitar solo)

Guitar solo

Chorus

so woah unspoken, so unspoken now here's my suicide, time to die, time for you to cry

Sleeping with the dead (unfinished)

Of all the secrets they could keep
They kept this from me
and all my childhood memories
lay somewhere in Heathergreen
Never got to say goodbye to you
Never singing my Amazing Grace
They wont even let me know
Where they laid you
Afraid I might get attached to this place

I'm sleeping with the dead tonight
my only way to find peace
I'm sleeping with the dead tonight
such a bad parting you and me
Traumatic
not enduring
Nothing here left for me
I wanna lay down on the dirt in the dark
crying out my memories

uncles funeral/things that are happening

I can't believe this college wont let me go to my uncles funeral just because I'm a prefect I couldn't care less if I'm a damn prefect! my uncles wishes was that amazing grace would be SUNG AT HIS FUNERAL! either played or sung and I wanted to to be the one to sing now I can't even attend his funeral all I wanna do now is cry!!!!! I mean this school is so fucking unfair. just two seconds ago ash asked me to join his band I'm just afraid! as we all know I'm afraid of playing the guitar infront of other people, I told him I might think on it!lol! but anyways today I'm going shopping with kaz and sufia in camden so we will see how that goes!!!!!

Over you

okay so this was not by me although I wish it was cause my song writing style is a bit what the word....limited. So Ash (kazs Bro) let me put this on here! and I plus I think in someways I think it kinda goes with my whole relationship problems!

Ready to walk another chapter of my life,
Entering the best part, there's enough to realise,
You're clutching on to things
As though you know they've become strange,
Well, open up your eyes,
You'll see it's you that has changed.

So what about you?
Do you really think that I'm a fool?
Believe me, it's true,
I never thought it'd be so cool.
When real lives
Are set to break apart,
I'm out of tries,
When I'm done, I'll leave my mark.

Do you know what it feels like
To lose your everything?
You think that it's easy
To just buy what you wanna be,
You keep lookin' down on the other ones
From your golden futon throne,
Who just wanna' turn the tables,
'Cause it's you that's got it all.

So what about you?
Do you really think that I'm a fool?
Believe me, it's true,
I never thought it'd be so cool.
When real lives
Are now coming to an end,
I'm over you now,
On you, I no longer depend.

[Solo]

So what about you?
Do you still think that I'm a fool?
Believe me, it's true,
I never thought it'd be so cool.
When real lives
Set in stone with broken hearts,
It's time to grow up,
And you'll be the first to start.

So what about you?
Do you still think that I'm a fool?
Believe me, it's true,
I never thought it'd be so cool.
When real lives
Are now set to shatter through,
I'm out of tries,
I gained much more over you.

-By Asher AKA Hyper Shadow

I've done my drama exam at last!!!!

omg there is no feeling like this when you know that this massive huge strain has been weighing you down and you have been thinking about it night after night. It kinda keeps you up. For me it has been this drama exam. I dont know without my mum there it felt like old times when she was to busy to watch any of plays or anything I was in. I guess havign her around at guitar exams and plays felt a little off I am just so used to my friends being there for me cheering me on! I felt kinda complete. So I guess things are practically, turnignt he way they should be with otu my mum screaming out embarressing things like "thats my baby" "lets see anyone do it betterthan her" yes I have actually suffered mymother doing that and guess what I suffered that through my guitar exam and the last play for an exam I had to do "find me". So anyways abotut he play, we did have enough time to do two dress rehearsals we only did like one and sir made us do these excersies to help us with our beathing and voice projection and then we did the cutest thing ever we did a prayer and I guess it helped since the play was excellent and we were so proud of ourselves. I was only dissapointed at myself when I was on stage and I couldn't remeber my monologue,but I decided to chat random crap until I could! oh and yeah the corinne hunt support group this year only consisted of kaz and Asher who were practically cracking up for most it I could hear them. Kaz thought that our play had more meaning and gave a more impact on the audience and then I think yes!!!!!!!! manny was excellent , she was great expecially the hypnotism scene and when she was asking me questions and she said and " you were picking and picking and picking and pick, pick , picking" I was just so wanted to laugh,but of course I couldn't. I don't know normally the death music would make feel sad but some weird happiness came over me knowing that I was nearly finished that the play was over. Kaz said I was great and good, then on the other hand ash (the annoying little fuck number 2 lol just kidding!) said I was crap but hey whatever(and I knew he was joking, but still). I done it and probably dont ever have to think of it again!!! I'm free from drama performances until................summer yey!!!!!!!!!

tomoz I'm going to suffer

okay so yesterday dizzy decided that he would take me for a walk and ran so fast I tripped and fell and bruised my head, got a big lump on my knee and my hands are so sore I'm finding it hard to open doors or get up from the floor (which kaz realised yesterday as she had to help me). so anyways after that I withdrew £10 pounds and blasted it clean and on kfc, cinema and socks. so um tomoz I got my drama exam and I'm scared not to confident in how its turning out but I guess I have to do it!

My uncle died and they hid that he was sick from me!!!

I mean I have this uncle well he wasn't my uncle he was a friend of the family and he died today. I mean my family knew I was close to my uncle and knowone , not one fo those tossers could just say to me your uncle is dying corinne you should go and see him. They thoguht if they told me when he was dead it would be better on me! I've know this guy all my life and then suddenly he is just not there anymore it really does hurt I can't believe they actually did that! when I heard that they did that I threw my phone away from my ear. I was so angry and I was just crying my eyes out. Part of me was hurt and part of me was in grief I just didn't know how to feel! I was just so torn! he always said that if he died he wanted amazing grace sung or played at his funeral..... so i will do every effort for that to happen. I'll probably sing it, but I know I will start crying. I'm emotional like that!! and I have every right to be! imgine the things I could have said sitting by his bedside, so by not letting me see him this condition they said it would keep my good memories of him. what crap. I remember when I was younger it was my tenth birthday and I realised my uncle hadn't arrived yet so I went to go and look for him. Little did I know my parents were looking for me and when I was at his house for an hour and he was singing happy birthday to me and stuff and when I got back to my party my parents went mad and I said I was just at uncles house and smiled at them. I swear I had more fun at my uncles house than I had at my party! I'M GONNA MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!! *R.I.P UNCLE RALPH*

what a lying cheating little skank!

okay so I'm writing a diary entry full of venom but not enough of it to fill the page. I found out that my friends boyfriend has slept with his ex girlfriend and low and behold she still loves him (well she would cus she didn't know about this) but it just really bad how she thinks the world of him and still he does this to her! she has trust issue that I already know abotu but does he really have to go and prove her right I only know this info because his own bestfriend cant keep his mouth shut, but I jsut think this is wrong and I wanna tell I do but everyone is telling me that I shoudln't and its killing me. Also chantell told me and kaz to come along with her to go and see her boyfriend so many lies were told in those tqo hours I was surprised. e.g alex said he was in france to chantell and then said he hadn't gone yet. he also said that he was going to buy a house in janurary and thats the same time he said he was goign to go back to BRAZIL (yeah right like he actually comes from that country cus he has said so many others ) he asked chantell if she was a virgin although chantell said that she had slept with alex (in her dreams) and alex kissed me on my neck and rubbed my back. can I just express the feelings of my sick coming up through my throat and possibly on the pavement! I tried washing my neck it will never leave me it haunts me his lips pressed against my neck! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

hey guys .........chatroom!!!!

made a new chat room and really its nothing special! just somewhere to hang!


My Chat Room

my banner thingys

I was actually quite proud of myself for doing this I actually thought I did a great job! lol! although its a bit plain I thought hey why not make a banner!

History In our hands

History's silent litany of suffering may yet be heard in whispers, between the echoing footsteps in an empty museum. The voices of many a Laban, hans or Boris might still be heard in dusty exhibits of discerned, throguh suffocated between the pages of a closed history book.

To the hand reaching out, searching perhaps for some connection, we say

"Do not touch the exhibit!!!!!!!"

Objectivity? A studied Detachment? Is this the nature of historical truth? or we nearly protect ourselves from seeing in the past a reflection of our own Times? Its Time to close. Good night. sleep...........Well.

Fading Sing

Verus:
These lonely walls
Trap me in
showing blood stains
run down them
and it enscribes your name
every memory I seek
is in the depths of me
I write them
trying to grasp what I have left of you
but you're fading
eventhoguh I protest I'm losing you

Chrous:

Come to me
From the side of my brain you hide
sing to me
the song grocki
Losing more souls tonight
I've seen you dissapear once
not gonna let it happen again
I buried you and you laythere
But your memory will always sing

sing on sing a song x2


Verse:
What do I have left
that isn'y already gone
Mama tells me to move on
without your is like a coma patient
fighting for air drowned in a deep sleep
everything about you gives me oxygen
giving me air to breathe

the beginning of my week

well this week is turning out to be very eventful I mean we played this really funny prank on phillip me kaz were pretending to be practically two busty blondes maria and leanne over the phone and he fell for it, it was soooooo funny! anyways today I came in to school with a note in hand and everything and me thinking maybe you know that awful shit of a woman miss hicks would let it go that I was late today because I never had enough money to get a bus pass and I was sick yesterday! but no low and behold she brings world war three at me and I brought it right back! I called her egotistical and I said half of her form thought so! I also told her she was not mature and that she frankily needed to get a life. I also told her she had issues and that she was really sarcastic. I was really proud of myself! lol! I was, I mean I walked out of there having a real impact on her head that her whole form class hate her, which they do! *SINGS* hahahahahaha bitch you got it, you got it , you really really got it. she got the corinne hunt special lol! dosage is deadly! lol! anyways got nothing else to really talk about and I'm already pissed off I really dont want to make myself more aggitated I'll see you later!

My Saturday

-
On the Saturday I went to nandos with char, kaz, ash and kaz and ashs little cousin Gabrielle. I remember her from when she fell over and hurt herself when she was trying to show off when we went bomfire night lol! but anyways as such nights or any meeting that happen recently they have always started with complications or the brother and sister (ash and kaz) having an argument this normally goes on for about and hour maybe two hours if the matter is really serious! but sometimes it gets jarring and they know this but still they carry on! This time it was about dizzy (kaz's dog) and her not wanting to go home alone! the only problem is that dizzy has a really annoying mind of his own which means like when you take him for a walk its more like he is walking you, and has a tendancy of ripping things (e.g. karlis wallpaper) but other than that he is just a sweet doberman!
-



So cus ash didn't want dizzy to rip up his stuff, he was angry that kaz brought the dog in the first place so here we stood for about five hours (okay over exaggeration)about half an hour having this debate about where the dog should go! so finally it was agreed that the dog would be taken to ashers house and put him in the bedroom! (by this time asher was in one of those annoying bad moods which always happen to be taken out on me)*poor me* so anyways we finally got nandos all in bad moods except charlotte and gabrielle who had no clue what was actually go on! But I asked why the table was so quiet me being the pacifist of the group I tried to make us talk to eachother. I can't remember what comment asher made but I snapped at him! I was just really annoyed by that point and really pissed off it took me a while to calm down again! that's normally not me!

so anyways after spending about and hours with eachother we were back on good terms and went to the moblie phone shop across the road. This is the shop where my friend sufia is normally eye raped by the horny guys that lie within this shop but for some reason they had an attraction to me! two of them!!!! arrrrggggh!!!!!! I asked to ash to help me as one was talking to me he put his arm around me! and you could see the guy shooting daggers at asher it was quite funny! yeah and the doctor dre look alike that might have gone on slim fast was just still looking at me! but it was alright least they weren't going to ask me for my number. So big thanks to ash!!!!!!!! but he really embarresed me on the bus it was so funny and people were talking about it on the bus but it was soooooooo funny! he decided that he would just run after the bus and shouting noooooooo|!!!!!! I just hid my face in my hands!!!!

my mum also went to france she looked like she had a great day away from my dad, which is good shame I didn't get the same treatment!! lol! anyways I'm in school now and I got dramam next so I gotta go!

found out that men can still lie to their girlfriends faces

We'll I got a friend lets name no names but if she reads this she'l know it was her I am talking about that has a boyfriend really cool guy as well, treats her remotey good (as she says) and is just great but some information I found out that just makes me wonder about mr Perfect boyfriend his bestfriend who he works with has had a child but not only was his bestfriend sleeping with this girl but my friends boyfriend was too so none of them actually know who the baby belongs to! I really wanna say something to my friend but I dont want to hear 2 years later about how she had a good thing going on with this guy and then he dumped her! and I hate being the bringer of bad news which is just me on the whole really but I really dont know what to do I'm realy lost I wish someone for once at least read this blog and told me how I could solve this!

Today jasmine came into visit shes been a bit, and I say a bit distant but I understand totally about the stress of university and stuff and the piles of work that has to be done but I just dont like the fact that hardly any of us get to eachother again I mean I have gotten used to fact that we are no longer you know at the same school going through the same things and many of us has just split and we need to adjust. but I miss having that familiarity where I can just kick back and say "yeah I have a group of friends which understand me and I can sit and joke with and be totally myself!" I can only do that when I'm at kazs house and I guess in school I have to act more sensible because everyone is acting urban" (kind word for black) I am black too but you dont exactly here me going "yeah blood, no blood, dats heavy" and waking down peckham high street with hair gelled so tightly down to my face. I hate it, I hate school and I'm starting to hate london! I think I'm gonna move out of this pace if this continues I swear sometimes they think they come from america! what was it two days ago I was goingt o kaz's it was freezing cold and there was this boy and a basketball jersey no jacket on, noe sleeves and the matching short on as wel with trainers I was thinking what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its like not hot you know!!!!!!! but hey thats life you can't tell anyone what to do and the same with others to me!!!!!!!!!!!

And So It Goes On

And so it Goes on so what can I do to make you change your mind
to make your words sting less

as they have clouded my judgement

Its like you scrached me with them

Engraved me with the dirtiest blade you could find

your words

your words haunt me because I know they are true

"whatever you touch goes bad"

I try to block them out trying to rememeber that life goes on

"It'll probably effect your kids"

But there is not a day in my mind that doesn't revert

Turn back and look and see the damage I have caused

So dangerous

so Elicit

so painful

But still I sit eagerly

waiting until your life is at the tip of the knife

will you take it all back in your last breaths

could you bear to take your hatred for me to your grave

cause what choice you make determins where you go

and if life as I live it and you dont say

life will go on for some

but enternal burn for others

da Gig was good , life is good until I got to school lol!!!!!

So on sat I went to the most wildest and craziest mosh pit in my life when I mean crazy people were faling over left, right and center and I was being held by this really friendly guy! who was named mel he was a bit easy on the eyes as well! well I went with kaz (best friend) her bro asher (ash for short),martha (girl we were trying to set ash up with didn't quite work tho),georgie (poor guy who just wanted to go to a spunge concert and ashers friend),Thomas (cool dude a bit crazy left very early) and last but not least ZAK (which martha ended up liking which in truth has a girlfriend hiding in blackpool) so as you can imagine it was a very eventful evening of her trying to be the main center of the guys and good old ash wasn't falling for it although he was clearly upset! but first we got a bollocking off him where he snapped at me that I was so angry at him I wasn't talking to him for the whole bus ride there but oh well!!!!!!!!!! so anyways we got there and the place was small but when you there on the floor it was great! we dancing around having a great time and just waiting until spunge got on! are tactic was to get to the front so they all decided they were gonna push me into everybody so they could be a clear path! for us to get to the front unfortuantly that didn't quite go our way we ended up close but not that close to the front! so we were all dancing together! and being pushed on the floor drinks being handed out crowds carrying people over their heads it was one crazy night!!!!!!!

but then I wake up on monday morning all my muscles groups are hurting and I go to school and find out have a detention great more trouble and my teachers didn't appreciate that I left school early becuase I was bored! well I guess my life and school will never change!

hello world, hello spunge gig

-
on saturday I'm going to see them live in concert and I'm actually a bit excited cus the whole gang is going and its going to be funa and we are trying to set up my friends brother with a friend of ours and it going to be so cute since they are always like talking to eachother it like soooo cute! I really can't wait any longer but my dad is trying to not let me go on saturday morning I'm waking up bright early morning and walking out of my house in my gothic gear this should be fun!

Raising for breast cancer goes wrong and I got stabbed in the back!

well 3 weeks ago I thought of something great, something that would make breast cancer be known in my sixth-form and I thought that if I made an idea in my school I might at least be recognised for my work! So I preceded with my ideas since my aunt had breast cancer! and there was a promotion in Britain tio wear pink on that day! we wouldn't be in school that time so I decided that we should make it to the last day of term! little did I know I let a few people in on my ideas one o fthem being jenny udoh! she said of course we would keep on a hush hush before the week before little did I know she was trying to get credit for my brilliant thinking and brain work and of course my planning!

Trusting her I sadi alright by this time she had told everyone about the day, claimed it was her idea and took it to miss bishop whi announced that her brillinat work and ideas have pushed this sixth form forward. so once agin I'm left int eh dust and no mention of me no just jenny! jeenys great idea to wear pink and raise money, jeenys great idea......

I was my idea and it was snuffed from me taken!!!!!!!
not that I wanted to be well credited for it I just wanted to leave a mark, something that was entierly just me! but I guess that would never happen now because she already got the credit who will believe me!!!!!

The light

The lights flicker
an untimely circumstance
reminding you what you had faced once
knowing what you did to yourself
the gurney pulled
chatter all around you
you bleed
not only from your wrists
but your organs
dripping
spilling your secrets
all over the marbled floor.
what started as an ambition
turns out to be reality.
Those eyes
grogilly
dropping in out of conciousness.
As your mind fades
Into the pit of the dark thoughts it came from
slipping
showing no fear
no remorse
for what you had done

Everypart of your being
Slowing down as you can
hear the last beats of your heart
like an execution drum.
But the light still stays
it still shines
you wonder why
until you hear

"she's back"


and you realise
you're alive
patched up ready to go home
looking back you
hope silebtly to yourself
that it will fade out one day

umm today is the last day

okay let me give you an update on my life okay!!!!! I am now a prefect of year eleven! problem no.1 that can be solved by end of the school year today! no.2 being a prefect I have to sit on the stage and might fall asleep because I'll be soo bored!!!! can be counterd by last day of school! notice how the last day of school solves everything!!!! oh and it's my b-day on saturday! it should be sooo great I just can't wait! I'm finally turning 17 and nearly away from the grips of my father, just one more year to go!!! wohooo! many people are angry that I got the position of a prefect because I didn't even apply for one of the jobs and got given one! I was shocked myself! okay so today I'm dressed hmmm punky  but cool I haven't got the wristband I got from camden on which is good or people would have started looking at me weird! but I went camden a few days ago and it was fun and I also fell in love with this one shop and this shirt that I didn't want to leave without buying it but it was 29.99 and I didn't have that type of cash! oh well bye shirt! ummm sabriye found out she was going to be the form prefect of 8 blue mr boyds form class! now that should be class! he will be eyeing her up! umm I am totally head over heels for these guys and I'll name them and see how my taste changes over the summer

1. Michael Landes


2.Michael Vartan


3. Yannick bisson


4. adam garcia

Drama Groups

Okay well I'm meant to do another drama exam at the end of the year and I'm already pissing myself! last year I with two bitches Jessica and nisha who gave me so much hasle and stuff that I was getting stressed and now I'm getting another one *mutaz* the one who thinks she can sing and practically breaks windows everytime she open her horse of a mouth!!!!! ever since birth I was made to hate her! Today I was put in her group along with emanuella, vicky and zoey! I do't mind vicky, Zoey, and manny because they are my friends but her! so when Emanuella told her I was working in their in her group she started having a hissy fit and it was right in front of me saying: no she's not in my group, she not in my group! and right now I don't want to be! yesterday we went bowling it was fun and we met one of the new girls called Varuna! she was nice, but it's a shame because we are upper sixth and she is lower sixth and those two years don't communicate much!!!!!! I also found out that pamela ]like edward! I like edward too I'm not tooo stressed about it but I know she is much more prettier than me and skinner and he likes that so I'm kind of out done here so....what can I say! I am sooooooo tierd right now!!!!! oh yeah and may I say something summer may not be summery but this rediculous!

Hi

well I'm starting fresh I have just started back ssso and I feel like I should have been waiting to go to orpington! but instead I'm here back in this school, going to saty there for another year! fantastic! hear the sacasm! I guess I'm abit dissapointed and upset that I could be having a new life at orpington college, with at least being in a hand of cute boys! but hey but that's my life. It's very unfair! I wish I could be there, but in a way I have comfort in this place than I would in Orpington. although a sad feeling does come over me. This is jasmines last day at this school, I thought should mention this becuase she keeps on going on about it. Oh and jasmine is leaving to go to america tomoz and she is not packing any clothes, I know , I know kind of weird she going to america without any clothes. and her dad is taking her shopping in New York and shes a luck biatch. It is as everyone is spliting up I mean Sufia is going to lewsiham college and lord know where kaz is right now I haven't spoken to her for long time and Jasmine is going to Kings college. I don't feel alone but I just feel the split more because I'm always mending the split that is between us I guess that's just me caring about others instead of myself. but I love these guys, they are my family and everything I know!!

They helped me escape home and now they are going to not be in my life so often but I'm alright I'm okay.......

had to act stupid yesterday!oh and HI!

Well Hi to everyone out there and welcome to my blog I guess. I had another one but I had to give it up because I forgot the password!!! stupid huh! yesterday in Drama I had to reactment of Frankie and Johnny and it was quite embarrasing! I had acrt out two characters at the same time it was so wembarrassing I still have it playing in my head! I was sick yesterday I mean all my breakfast and stuff I had at break, came flying out of my mouth! I had to bolt out of drama!And then act a very embarassing part after that. Well mr Jahanns My drama teacher said it was okay so.... I kind of beleive him! yesterday, raina told me some interesting information about some of the girl that I know that went to megans party! turns out that everyone there had kissed everyone else ! and that's not good when you go to an all girls school!!!!! but anyways everyone got off with everyone and two girls Natalie and ashley took it a little bit further in the bathrooms! I'm not one to gossip but everytime I see these girls I just want to burst out their little secret! Like today I saw Natalie and Ashley holding eachother in a quite sexula way and I was think my lord I'm not going to say! I'm going to burst! soon! I already had something like this with an old best friend! she started to get on my nerves but then I found out she was dating another girl from our group and now she's using this as an excuse for me not talking to her when it was her rudeness two weeks earlier that got me stumped! I hated it back than when Me, sufia and Francesca! we always did everything together and then, sufia started to hate Francesca because Francesca kept on copying her.Then I was the piggy in the middle, trying to be friends with both until, Francesca got a new group to hang around with and was not in our form room alot! so I formed a new group of friends and I used hang around them alot and she used to ignore me, but because me being as kind as I am I still talked to her! Then one day because her full group were there she thought she would act as if she was bigger than she was! I went up to them and said hello her and jasmine did not answer! so I said it again! no answer. so I thought fine then.......so becuase the printer in library was not working I went to the computer room to find Jasmine and Francesca in there! so she was rude to me when I asked about what happened so since then I haven't talked to them. I honestly don't know what's happening to this school! and she saying I'm a homophobe! my best friends is gay and I find it quite insulting for someone to call me a homophobe because I care about their personality not their sexual orientation! I feel quite annoyed for all these things that have happend but I hope it will all change ..............one day!